so i was a bit emotional the other day. thanks to all for your words of encouragement and calling me out on my illogical-ness. unfortunately it happens more often than i'd like to admit. yes, i have a job, and that's a good thing. with some luck and a slight stretch of the imagination i may even be able to get my own place before too long. i've just decided to set my goal as christmas, but we shall see. i won't be paid that much and i don't know how many hours i'll be able to get.

       i went in today for a pee test and i passed, so that was good. no, i wasn't worried. i was told to go in at two but things were pushed back and they couldn't see me until three, so i sat in the parking lot (it's a freaking beautiful day today) and read a little and chatted a bit. i decided to read over some of what i have written thus far in this historical fiction/fantasy that i've been working on, and i was very pleasantly surprised that i kinda got lost in it. granted, i created the world and it already exists fairly well-formed in my mind, but i don't think i've ever had that happen before when reading my own stuff. it really took me off guard when i kinda snapped out of it. so i'm taking that as a good sign.

       i've opened the windows in the house and i'm just reveling in this weather. low seventies and breezy and autumny. always my favorite time of year. and i just found an apartment i want. not the one downtown that i was looking at earlier, but closer to good ol' hy-vee in independence. i need a roommate, though. any takers?

       i never thought i'd be so sad about getting a job before. i had the privilege of chatting with maureen for a bit this afternoon before she ran to pick up her adorable little munchkins, and i commented on still being jobless, as has been my increasingly common lament for the past couple months. soon after i told her that, though, i got a call from my friend in the customer service department of hy-vee, the first job i ever held (for about nine years). she had an opening on weekends. so... yeah. haha. somehow the thought is making me even more depressed, but it's a job, right? and it'll hold me over until something else comes along.

       to be fair, i liked the job. it's a decent company and the pay is above average for the sort of work. but suddenly i feel like my soul is depressurizing and leaking out my ears.

       no, it's no use screaming and telling me to go for what i want instead. trust me, i and probably many of you have tried. for one, i'm not sure what i want. for another, i wouldn't know the first thing about trying to get it. and for another still i have this debilitating lack of self-confidence that's not entirely unfounded, which keeps me rooted to one spot.

       i feel like i'm waiting/hoping to be rescued. excellent boyfriend material.

       i'm gonna go cook dinner now. laters.

       i swam tonight. now i'm polishing off the last piece of the coldstone peanut butter and chocolate ice cream cake left from my birthday. and i just saw this recipe for guinness chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting and i think that sounds amazing too (i'm all for crunchy p.b., but i'd definitely use creamy in this recipe). yeah, that's how i roll. hopefully not literally. i blame bad genes a lot, and sure, they're probably a factor. i'm the skinniest person in my family, after all, and no one has used that particular word to describe me since the ninth grade. but i hate myself a little more with every scrumptious bite.

       i'm starting to worry about my increasing tendency to fantasize. i'll often start with good intentions, thinking about how i want a particular scene to feel (i've been writing more), but then my mind will wander and i'll end up getting very little done. i seem to have the most success when i get out of the house and find a nice air-conditioned spot in town to sit and sip and saturate myself in these little worlds i'm trying to create, but doing that becomes a chore since the closest decent place i could go is a twenty minute drive one way so i usually try to make an afternoon of it and there's rarely time for that and while i'm there i have to write it all by hand anyway, which is slow going.... so most of the stuff i do is right here at home, later in the evening after my parents are asleep. and even still i can't focus. instead of creating these lives on paper i end up making up my own entirely fictitious life in my head. today, for example, 'he' came home from a long day at work and we just cuddled on the sofa and talked before deciding to order some chinese. i also had an interview with anderson cooper and a meeting with my editor who really liked the last chapter i submitted but thinks its starting to get a little too predictable.

       yeah, i'm one of those crazy writers. except i can't really be called a writer since i don't write, so i guess that just leaves the crazy part. once again, excellent boyfriend material.

       worked on the deck a little today. i don't remember if i've mentioned that before? we're building a pool deck. well, mostly it's my dad building the pool deck and i help out on occasion. mostly i've just been doing dirt work and measuring angles and cutting wood, but today i also did a little work on the short stone retaining wall going against the dirt that was dug out to level the area for the pool. yeah, it's not a cool in-ground one. just a big above-ground. i figured the wall would go up pretty quickly, but it ended up taking me a very frustrating hour to set four of the base stones, and it turned out i did them wrong anyway. i was under the impression that i was to level each stone with the stone preceding it, when actually i was supposed to level the stones with the deck piers that the wall runs around and between. which doesn't make a lot of sense to me. but whatevs.

       i know, completely pointless post. but when have i ever actually said something with my writing? sometimes it's just good to ramble on, though -- to get it out. yeah, don't worry, i'll never use this blog as part of a portfolio, no matter how desperate.

       it's official. i'm old. twenty-seven does seem a somewhat sexier number than twenty-six, though. it's a little more adult, somehow -- the age of having things figured out and being on the way to achieving dreams ...and such. and for some reason when i think of a twenty-seven year old guy "hotness" springs to mind. haha. ahem. well, i have successfully kick-started my old exercise program, at least. similar to the one i was using four years ago (geez) when i had abs like marky mark. well, maybe not quite that good. but not too far off. and i'm very close to breaking into the 150s again, which i haven't been in well, about 4 years. yes, i'm trying to get myself amped up and all optimistic about achieving goals. i feel kinda old, and the rogaine in my medicine cabinet doesn't help. it's called overcompensation. not quite mid-life crisis, but a little too old to be quarter-life. i did that one already with the whole gay thing. i'm not sure i want to know what the mid-life one's going to be like.

       my parents took me shopping for my birthday. i got a pair of shoes -- slip-ons, because i hate laces. went to three stores and none of them had the shoes i was looking for, but they had the same style in a different color so i settled for those. $50 as opposed to the $70 to get the others online. and i got... underwear. lol. i needed it, though. i'm experimenting with v-neck t-shirts because i think they're really hot. i guess the person wearing them kinda determines that, but hey -- i can pretend. at least i'm not a 300-pound girl wearing a mini-skirt and a tube top. that image was meant to distract from the one of me in a v-neck. hope it worked. but they're giving me the rest of my gift in cash because i'm a poor, jobless twenty-seven year old living with his parents. excellent boyfriend material.

       have to get up early tomorrow morning. 6am. haven't been up that early since the strawberry-dunking loneliness-inducing hell week commonly referred to as valentine's day. but i'm going to the doctor. and i'm excited. what i thought last week was fluke allergies has turned out to be a full-blown uber-nasty eye infection from hell. any contributing member of society would have had it taken care of by now, but since i'm the afore-mentioned jobless (and thus insurance-less) twenty-seven year old living with his parents i had to wait for an appointment at a clinic in lexington (30 miles away) that charges on a sliding scale and will thus treat me, drugs included (i think/hope), for a grand total of ten dollars. thus far my eye hasn't fallen out or anything, to the disappointment of a few friends who keep mentioning something about an eye-patch and "arrrgh." which, i admit, is a titillating thought. especially if i was wearing a v-neck t-shirt and i got that ear-piercing that i've been coveting.

       it's been a good day, though. tomorrow we're celebrating with my bro and his wifey at the cheesecake factory, which is always fun. what was that about a 300-pound girl? i meant me, not the wifey. and if the eye is any better i may drag a certain boy to a certain dance club on saturday. i've had britney spears and celine dion in my head all day. it's time.

       also time for bed. but how are all of you? big plans for the weekend?

       laters.

       <edit> oh! i almost forgot! netflix gave me an awesome bday present today with the release of their iphone app! so now i can watch streaming videos on my iphone! woohoo! seriously, it rocks. now google just needs to release an editable version of google docs for iphone and my life will be complete. </edit>

       i must have been blogged out after that 30-day 60-day challenge thingy. it's been a while. i've been falling apart a little bit, so i'll just say that i've been sparing you. yes, you're welcome. i did do a few of those stutter-blog things where i write a post and end up deleting it. you should have read last night's. lol. ooh, that one was interesting. against my better judgment i've been watching some romance-themed things, so those left me hugging my pillows and despairing that the only green eyes i'll wake up to in the foreseeable future are those of my black and white domestic medium-hair cat. hey, at least somebody loves me.

       i turn twenty-seven on thursday. not with a bang but a whimper. dunno. not terribly excited about it. my mom keeps asking me what i want to do and i'm starting to get a little grumpy about it. i don't really care. all i want is something to be excited about. not for my birthday, but for my life. yeah. just where i am right now. weird places.

       in other news, i've run out of things to write about for examiner. haha. the target thing is petering out and i'm so freaking tired of writing about target anyway. but they gave me something to write about. so now i'm kinda stuck...

       oh, and i'm totally giving up on men. again.

       hm. i'm gonna go read. my books are my friends.

       i was reading an article on the frontpage earlier about triceratops, about how they didn't exist. that led me to wikipedia. from there i went to the brontosaurus, which also didn't exist, then to dinosaurs in general, then to the extinctions, then i was curious about the timing of it all so i went to the article on earth, and from there to the universe. i love wikipedia. but because of those last two articles i was left feeling very small and fleeting, and it made me want to be immortal so i could see all the things that were and that will be. especially the star trek kinda stuff. that would be fun. i'll be so disappointed in humanity if we never get to that point. but it made me think about my own life. i've been doing that more -- it's kinda weird. my brother and his family (wife and in-laws) are here, downstairs chatting away (i'm being anti-social), and i heard his father in law talking about how he's worked for the usps for over twenty years and how he has about fifteen more before he retires. i dunno. just makes me think about how much i want to accomplish and how time keeps on slipping (slippin' slippin' into the future) by. it's not fear, but it is scary.

       so week one on examiner.com is over. it's not difficult at all, but it takes time (mostly because i get distracted quite easily). seven articles in seven days, with just under 1,500 page views thanks to people here as well as marketing on a few other social networking sites (facebook, twitter, reddit). had a random spike of visitors on thursday that put me in the number one examiner spot for the city for the day and #5 overall in the city for the week. and i earned about $15 for it. haha. but i had absolutely no writing resume before this, so it'll help things along. i hope. and, hey, it's an extra $60 a month if things stay on track. woohoo!

       my cousin amber was here this weekend, too. she took me to a better than ezra concert downtown. she's been to about 40-some now. she's a big fan. this was my third, all with her, but it was widely agreed to be the best. we got to hang out with the rouge, one of the opening bands, after the show. we went to get copies of their cd and amber bought the last, just in front of me. i was sad because i was in love (check out the lead singer on my facebook under mobile uploads -- so hot) and they had amazing music. so the guy whips out his laptop and burned me a copy and had them all sign it. and he hugged me like three times and let me run my hands over him. it was nice. then they had to leave so we went back to better than ezra's bus and chatted up the band for a bit. i didn't know them, but the people i was with did. one guy had been to over 150 shows and another girl we were with was on her 50th. so the bte guys were showing us some videos of places they'd been and it was kinda cool. but the highlight for me was still that shirtless rouge guy. his stage presence was similar to freddie mercury. and he has an amazing voice. so check them out.

       i'll leave you with this:

       this is very exciting, folks. prop 8 has been overturned!

       wow. i've been busy the last few days. being a self-professed news whore is starting to pay off. a little. early in july i applied to be a freelance restaurant review writer for examiner.com. i knew from the start that it wasn't going to be a lucrative position by any means -- i wanted it for the exposure, the writing practice, the resume/portfolio boost, and whatever i could get financially. because right now all i have is plasma and random jobs for the 'rents. because i'm awesome like that. i may have talked about this before? but anyway, they wanted me to be their "glbt business examiner" instead (i know, it should be lgbtq, but i don't have enough clout to change my title yet), so after more samples were sent they said i was a "go." little did i know how much work i'd be putting into it for so very, very little pay, lol. and i've only published two articles so far (just submitted the second one tonight). but i like it. it's getting me writing again, even if it's not my desired style of writing -- it's still writing. sort of. but the research is fun. and it will look good for my real job applications, especially if i do well.

       i'm paid a paltry flat rate by the article, but i'm also paid a commission based on subscriptions, page views, session length, and advertiser interest. so click here and check it out. pretty please? thanks. love you. yes, you. mhm.

<nerd>

       middle earth. post sauron, of course. or pre. just not during any of that war crap because that wouldn't be fun. i'm slightly torn between the shire and rivendell and lothlorien. the shire would be nice on vacations, though, a place to kick back in the country and have a pint. and lothlorien would be freakin' gorgeous, but i'd be afraid to fall out of the trees while sleeping unless they had something similar to those vine/bed/thingies in avatar. so it'd probably be rivendell. it's perpetually autumn there anyway, which is my favorite season. and it's homey while still technologically advanced. and i love wood and stone work and water features. yes, probably rivendell. i'm sure the elves are very progressive. and it's closer to the shire when i feel like kicking back and having a pint. which sounds really good right now.

</nerd>

       oh, and don't forget to click here and read my articles and subscribe and be nice to me. =)

       i've always been something of a news junkie. online journalism is far more appealing than broadcast (i find the latter more ego-centric and entertainment driven), but i've become even more so with my new phone. i have applications from nine different news sources (well, eight, really -- the onion is the ninth) including the advocate, bbc news, fox news, the huffington post, npr news, the new york times, newsy.com, and usa today, and i access all of them regularly. i love it. especially newsy, because they draw from all of the other sources and keep things relatively more neutral. which, now that i think of it, is amusing that there can be varying degrees of neutrality. anywho.

       anyway, i was reading usa today and stumbled on this article that cites a study of 300 million tweets and concludes that people are happiest on sunday mornings and saddest around thursday nights. it makes sense, after all. on sunday morning people have had some time to relax after the M-F 9-5, and they still have all day sunday in front of them, while on thursday they're already worn out from the week and they still have to go to work the next day. but how sad is that!? this article grabbed my attention because that's always been something i've wanted to avoid in my life -- the daily grind. the slog. because isn't it basically just the death of dreams?

       i've never been a big proponent of the american dream. white picket fence and 2.5 kids and church on sundays and thinly veiled alcoholism supported by a job as an insurance salesmen finding ways to scare people into giving you money and then dodging them when they need a little of it back. not to dog on insurance people -- just the first thing that popped into mind. but you all remember the movie "the incredibles" where the dad did just that... boring claims person, back and forth to work every day, no excitement, when he had all of this potential inside him. why can't people be proud of the superheroes they are?

       so what happened to us? how did we get stuck in this rut?

       i blame the capitalists.

       seriously, though. what do you think? or is everything fine the way it is?

       welp, finally done. and it only took me two months. ha. i think i even predicted as much. what did i learn? um... lol. not much. got me posting a bit more, though, so that's good. but now i'm gonna go swimming. laters!

       wow. it's been a while. for a few things, but we'll not get into that. not too much to report, really. went to the dentist last wednesday and my dentist still calls me his most boring patient ever (never had a cavity or braces or such things). and that was the first time i've been in 3 years. umm... what else... got an email from the freelance peeps i've been trying to get on board with doing local restaurant reviews. they said they were impressed with my writing and would like me to head up the section on lgbt business and news instead. so that's cool. it's not finalized -- they wanted more writing samples that would be relevant, so i've been working on that. need to get on that, actually. my cousin came to visit last weekend and we went downtown. my first time to westport since i've been back. good times. and i've been chatting up several applicants for new friend positions that desperately need to be filled. met one today (didn't go so hot). meeting another tomorrow (fingers crossed). my parents got a pool. it's currently being filled. looking forward to that. oh, and for the first time in nearly a decade i had a successful long-hand writing attempt while sitting in the mcdonalds on 291 and 24 in independence. i was in need of some coffee/wi-fi/writing therapy after the not so hot friend meeting today. got a solid page out.

       i miss my friends in columbia. one of those is moving soon, a little closer, temporarily, then far far away eventually, to new york city where he'll become great, i'm sure. hopefully we'll get a chance or two to hang out before that happens. i'm going to visit some of the others in mid-august, so i'm really looking forward to that. and i'm starting to ramble. i should go get some things done. how are all y'all doing?

       not sure. everything's been shuffled lately, so i've been trying to figure that out, too, but at the same time i've been somewhat overwhelmed by the need to figure things out. i'd like to get a good job. i never really thought i'd say that. i've been hoping for so long that i'd finally finish the next great american novel and be able to support myself while working on the next great after that, but i haven't been doing very well with that. so i need a job. and an apartment. i'd really like a place in midtown, i think. they have some nice apartments there. i still don't really want to end up in kc, but right now i don't have too many options, and kc's really not that bad a city. and i need a boyfriend. working on that one. and i'd like to lose another 15 pounds or so. and i need to write. then i'll worry about what comes after that.