i'm still having aftershocks from all the gaygasms i had sunday night when i saw wicked at the durham performing arts center. they were no kristin and idina, but elphaba was still impressive at least. yes, it was my first time. i wasn't expecting it to be terribly true to the novel, but i was still surprised by how different it was. the harry potter films taught me to appreciate both for what they are, and the nice happy ending of the play was a welcome change. i was also impressed by how perceptive the writers were in divining and building upon certain themes/metaphors that were glossed over in the novel, particularly that of disillusionment, but i suppose that isn't exactly a new thing to the oz universe. i was a little disappointed that g(a)linda was left a bit flat. and the staging seemed cramped at times (maybe the venue?). but the guy who played fiyero was a major hottie. and "defying gravity" made me happy wee. a lot. i hadn't seen the tony performance before, so i had no idea what to expect. i kinda freaked out. i screamed and whooped and jumped and cried. it did my heart good to be in the theater. it had been over two years. it's a bittersweet feeling, similar to the one i used to get at concerts when i was younger, wishing it was me up on that stage, traveling the country with beautiful people having crazy fun on a crazy schedule. ahhh, dreams...

       the gaygasms were tempered a bit tonight, though, when the silly, ignorant, and hateful people of north carolina very unfortunately passed amendment one. it's not a new disappointment, nor is it an entirely unexpected one, although there was some justified hope from polling before the election. it's just a sad reminder that i really don't like people very much. and that this is just another place i don't belong. but i'm particularly sad because people who thought it was another chance to gay bash have just potentially stripped thousands of children across the state of health insurance and have removed some pretty crucial protections from women in abusive situations. it really was a stupid, nasty thing. i just hope the supreme court gets a move on and decrees that all the homophobes can go fuck themselves.

       but i just finished season three of rupaul's drag race and the queen i was rooting for from episode one took the crown, so that helps a lil' bit. it was a double fist pump moment with a little squeal for good measure.

       bed time. hope you're all well. and don't forget yo' mommas this weekend!

        yup. still alive. a few things have happened since my last update, so i'll quick catch you up then run back to the million things i should be doing right now. no, i haven't been writing. actually, this is probably the first thing i've written since my last post, not counting emails. just don't have much to say. dan says i should write just to get myself in the right frame of mind, which makes sense. so here i am. if this counts. it feels a little strange, like being a little wobbly when riding a bike for the first time in ages. i've gotten too used to keeping silent.

       but to update: hermes and i have moved. it was kind of inevitable with the car situation and the roommate situation. i had been more or less passively looking at places online when i stumbled across a place which had been previously recommended to me by a coworker but had crazy wait lists to get in. just ran across it on craigslist, which i almost never look at because it's a little too skeezy. the guy was trying to get out of his lease for whatever reason. so i jumped. it's closer to work, right on a bus line that goes straight to my office and stops at a grocery store in between. and no roommates. went to look at it one sunday and i was moving in that next saturday. kind of a crazy week, that one. so i've been here about a month now and still have boxes to unpack. i've been working on some of that today. also have been having fun decorating the place. trying not to get too carried away, but i've already spent too much. i really need a guy who's good with money. anyway. trying to make the transition between college apartment and young professional, with moderate success. maybe i'll post a couple pictures when i'm a little more settled. the only downside has been that i'm not in raleigh anymore. i'm now what they call a "durhamite", living in durham, nc. it's the north point of "the triangle" (which is kinda funny since i live near a neighborhood called "southpoint"). so the three friends i made are still in raleigh, but i like my new little town so far.

       one of the larger things i've been working on in the apartment is stuff to put on the walls. i had a couple unframed pieces, one of which i've framed and it's gorgeous. the other is going to cost about $100 to frame it cheaply, so i'm gonna wait a bit on that one. that was a slightly larger than poster sized charcoal drawing of a slender but muscular young man by a friend i grew up with. she gave it to me before i told her i was gay. and yes, that one will go over my bed. but i've also ordered a few other prints from deviantART that i'm excited about. while i was doing all of this, though, my artistic side kinda kicked in and i got the bug to do some of my own. i never have before, and i can't draw worth a darn, but i'm not bad with color and there have been some pretty amazing painters in my family. so i've ordered some art supplies. =) we'll see how that goes. i'm starting with acrylics. i'm hoping this will help a bit with the lull in creativity i've been experiencing.

       i'm also now on my second week of P90X. i had been doing well with running around my new neighborhood, but it really wasn't enough. i have been so freaking sore. i barely even got sore when i went to the gym. this program hits you in some crazy ways. it's pretty intense, and i think i can stick with it. already noticing a difference. plyometrics tonight. it's a bitch of a workout, so i'd better not procrastinate any more.

       i hope all of you are well. i haven't been around much, but i'm going to try to be a little more. i really need to write. yes, i'm aware i say that almost every time. ok. later taters.

Currently Rob Me Blind [+Digital Booklet] see related

       i love snow patrol. have i said that before? oh, yes, only about a few million times. perhaps not here, but trust me -- i have. i'm listening to their new album now. i probably shouldn't have bought it, but it was $9.99 on iTunes and i needed it. and, of course, i was right.

       i got a lawyer today. finally. i had emailed him that week after the accident but hadn't heard anything back (granted, it was the holiday), so i called today and he said he'd do it. so glad i got that law insurance. cheap, and this ticket alone will probably make it worth it. so at least that will be taken care of. i'll probably still have to pay something, but it's just that much less to worry about. still don't have a car, which is getting hard. the bank denied my loan application because of too much debt (student loans) and not enough income and a bad history from my younger days. they said if i'm able to pay things down a bit they'd reconsider in six months. which really helps me out now. so i'm still not sure what to do. meantime, the rides thing has been working out fine with the roomie. but i don't know how long that will last. i'm hesitant and otherwise scared to ask my dad to cosign on something. he won't want to and he'd give me hell for it. and yes, the thought is still there of an escape. i know it's stupid. i still really want to do it, though. i'm kinda just moving along until something stops working and forces me to address it. i have no idea what else to do.

       i still need to do the whole resolutions thing. eh. i'll get to it. it's still january. early to bed, with a 'lil reading before. ninight.

       so this is where i do the same thing everyone else is doing and look back at the year to see how i did with my resolutions. because i'm masochistic original like that. so here they are:

1. body. ahh, the same resolution that's on everyone's list. and one that, yes, will still be on my list for 2012. all things considered, i did pretty well. i got back into the groove of working out and stuck with it for the most part. i averaged about three times a week, and when i was there i worked hard. but it's a little depressing when i look at the pictures i took before i got a gym membership and compare them to now. really haven't changed that much. some, yes. there's a difference. but not a big one.
   
   
2. write more. totally bombed this one. i barely wrote a thing. in fact if anything i think i'm getting worse. i don't want it any less, but reality has been hitting hard lately. future's a little too hazy right now.
   
   
3. chillax about getting older. i have been, to a point. there's still an ever-present awareness of the fact that i'm pushing 30, am dirt poor, have no life, and am not really any closer to getting one. but thanks to a retinol night cream and a tone-correcting spf by day at least the wrinkles are minimized.
   
   
4. move out before my twenty-eighth birthday. check. even if it wasn't the best of ideas.
   
   
5. i really need to be better with money. not doing too well on this one, considering how much i spent over the last month (mostly on myself). i am getting the credit under control, though. slowly.
   
   
6. boyfriend. i dated 21+ guys in 2011. still cuddling with hermes tonight.
   
   
7. get out more. i did. not necessarily to the venues i'd prefer. but i definitely havent been hermitting as much as i used to.
   
   
8. read more. yeah. definitely did that. still a lot of things to get to, though.
   
   
9. go to bed earlier. well, i've been forced to with my job and having to get up at 5:20 every morning. but i haven't really been getting more sleep.
   
   
10. travel. other than the move, sadly no. but the move counts for a little, right? i drove through tons of places i'd never been on the way here.
    
    
11. expand my horizons. oy. not really. but in some ways, i guess. kinda. not really.
    
    
12. piano more. this one just makes me sad. :(
    
    
13. invent a time machine so i'll be able to fit all these ridiculous things in my schedule. check.
    

       so. heh. having trouble starting. still ok, at least physically. the soreness is working its way out, the bruises and scrapes are healing. faster than i expected, actually. the car was totaled, but i knew it would be. trevor is taking me in on monday to pick up the check. it's not a lot, but it'll be a decent down payment. but that's where the other stuff comes in.

       just a bit overwhelmed. i don't know if it was the sort of reevaluation that comes with a close call or simply that i caught sight of an escape hatch -- but my mind won't stop. and now i have a choice. i can plug that insurance check back into a new car, take out a new loan on a new (to me) car and work for the next couple years to pay that off (probably to repeat the same thing over again). or i can take the money and run. the latter is infinitely more appealing. really, infinitely. and there's so much possibility. but it's scary as hell. and it's before the year mark that i was aiming for. keeping my current job and sitting on the cash isn't an option when the area public transit trip planner from my apartment to my current job suggests either a departure time of 11pm the previous evening or a 4-mile walk beginning at 4am to get to the appropriate bus stop. i didn't even try looking at return times. putting that check on the back burner for a bit and getting a new job at a public transit accessible location here in raleigh is somewhat attractive, but then i'm otherwise carless. no, a car isn't necessary, but certainly handy. and it helps with the whole getting a boyfriend thing when not having a car in a smallish city is kinda lame. but, really, i don't want to stay here. i don't. part of me does, sure -- the part that doesn't like change and is at least grudgingly willing to settle, the part that is scared to death of trying to forge a new life. lord knows that was a semi-private little hell i wouldn't mind waiting to experience again. but it might mean going somewhere big where i don't need a car to get around. maybe another shot at finding a place i belong. anyone in a big city know where a guy with an english degree and not much else can get a job?

       any way you crack it, my life was changed on tuesday night. and i wasn't ready for it. whatever i do, i have to decide soon. trevor's help with rides won't last forever. and the end of a year is one of the better times to get a car if i give in and decide to do that. oy. just oy. i've been obsessing about this all day. really, i've thought of nothing else except during dinner when i watched half an episode of torchwood, and i'm no closer to a solution. what do you guys think?