so this could easily be my last post here. it’s a weird feeling — with nearly a decade spent in xangaland, this little blog covers a full third of my life. i went back somewhat arbitrarily and read a few of my older posts — it kinda floored me how much i’ve changed over the last ten years. god, i was such a naive little dork. haha. it kinda makes me wonder what i’ll say when i look back after another ten years, then i realize that that thought has always been a source of hope for me. i could never have predicted back on 12/07/2003 the paths the next decade would take me, but i like the fact that my sense of adventure has remained constant. my beliefs have shaken and shifted tremendously, but i’ve always found some small measure of hope in the unknown. mingled with fear, sure, but where’s the fun if it’s not a little scary?

       so what’s left here, what will likely be shut down in another month, is a rather emotional account of my twenties. emotional, of course, because writing and music have always been my greatest releases, so you’ve always had to bear the brunt of it. my twenties weren’t quite roaring, but i don’t think anyone would argue if i called them tempestuous. and i think i’m finally starting to grow up a little. i’m not nearly the whiny bitch that i used to be. or at least not as much the whiny part.

       it feels very much like moving out of an old house that you’ve poured so many memories into. i have had the odd pleasure of creating a digital home here, complete with a very real family, and i can still feel the spaces where i felt like this was the only place that i did belong. like walking into a black room and being at peace with the darkness because you knew the space so well you didn’t need a light. i don’t think i ever took the time before now to reflect on how profoundly many of you have changed my life.

       i’m happy that i’m already connected with several of you on facebook, but if we aren’t yet, please feel free.

       and i’ll definitely miss being kween. no, i’ve hardly done a thing with it for ages, but it was so much fun writing those little challenges and reading everyone’s responses. i was only there for about 3.5 years, and i am so glad that garett asked me to do it. god, i miss him. and i’m starting to feel way too sentimental with this. i’ll not even mention the, what, five other semi-secret xanga sites i’ve had over the years. one with terrible stories. one with a workout journal. haha. one with sermons that i preached back when i did that sort of thing. and there were others, but i can’t even remember them off the top of my head.

       getting ready now at work for the end of one school year and the beginning of another. it’s crazy time since we have zero break between the two. scheduling med students and getting grant requests ready and worrying about orientation for the new residents and making sure everything’s in place for the senior residents’ graduation. their final evaluations are on wednesday, meaning tomorrow is going to be slammed and i should get to bed or i’ll be dragging all day, but i don’t really want to stop typing because then that will be it and xanga will be no more. and even if they do save it i think this is probably the right time for me to bow out anyway. it’s time to move on.

       i love you all; you’ve been amazing. but i’m not breaking my staff or drowning my books just yet. i’ve decided to set up a proper website, complete with my own domain name. i’m still entertaining ideas on the latter. and yes, this means i’ll have to write.

       laters.

       is this thing still on?

       it almost feels like one of those awkward meetings after a long time where you don’t really have anything to say but you could talk about a lot of meaningless things if you wanted to and you don’t really have the energy but you’re going to anyway.

       as of today i’m kinda giving up on the whole home-gym thing — broke down and bought a membership… at my job. ahh, university gyms… i’m going to have to behave myself. but after another stuttered attempt to get back into the p90x routine i decided i needed a place. i do well when i have a place. p90x is an incredible program, don’t get me wrong. kicks my ass. but it’s a lot easier to sit down on the couch when you’re already right in front of it. so now i have a place. i didn’t even tour it first. haha. but because i work there it’s $12.50/month… yeah. i’m kinda excited.

       the job is going well, though. there have been a couple teeth-gnashing moments, but i love the autonomy and i’m good at it. already have the big annual event behind me (which was crazy stressful the week of but it went well and now i know what to expect next year) and right now my big project is adding a fellowship program. it’s very busy. lots of work. the job in general, i mean. but the days go quickly, which is always nice, and i have so much more energy at the end of the day compared to when i was dealing with patients. as far as jobs go, it’s not bad. but definitely not a long-term solution either.

       ummm… other things have happened. heh. the pseudo-boyfriend is more like just a friend now. i saw him this week for the first time since the end of january. it was really good to see him, but it felt… different. otherwise, lance had been the bulk of my social life since well before i moved to durham, so it almost feels like i’m at square one in a new town. i’ve never been very proactive at the whole real human interaction thing. people are a lot of work. and disappointment is exhausting. i decided to try a bit harder when i started to routinely catch myself having conversations out loud with myself or the cat. being in my own little world at work exacerbates that problem. i’ve had a handful of other dates, which have been largely good, even if they just get me out of the apartment to be social for a bit. but i’m getting tired of weekends spent playing minecraft or …watching netflix. no, i’ve not been writing. surprise.

       it’s not quite “survival mode”, but it’s almost that. i’m not depressed, just bored/lonely. i’m going to be 30 in a few months. four months and five days. it’s not a happy countdown timer. when i turned 27 i thought i was going to be ok with 30. 28, i noticed some lines but the creams sorted them out. 29, i started losing my shit. i’m not as panicked about it as i was a few months ago. it’s not like it’s going to be a difficult thing to do. and i don’t really have much of a choice in the matter. i don’t want to be alone, though. i’m considering another trip to nyc if i can afford it. weeeee’ll seeeeee.

       laundry time. it’s exciting.

       i think i’m giving up on the other blog. i’m so over it i’m not even going to bother turning that into a link. currently working on my tenth year on xanga and no matter how many other blogs i start (so many) i keep coming back here, even if infrequently. capital letters are overrated. and writing is so much work. here it’s all natural, effortless, stream of consciousness. i barely edit. and i can ramble. it doesn’t even matter if anyone reads it. it’s not really for anyone else anyway, and that, i think, has been the key to my longevity here.

       so the holidays. those were fun. happy days. speaking of which, i saw “mrs. c” in some terrible play that my parents took me to at a place that attracts old has been actors to perform in a dinner-theater environment (buffet, of course) for people who think such things make them cultured. i may have had a better opinion of it had the writing not been as bland as the steamed broccoli. i think i saw another gay person there, though. i couldn’t be sure. but yes, i went home, which was immediately a marked improvement over last year’s christmas spent alone. i was glad to be there (home, i mean). i didn’t get to see nearly as many people as i’d hoped, but the family time was nice. it felt short, but it was designed to be, and i was feeling slightly homesick for my couch and kitten. speaking of couch… well, i’ll get to that in a bit.

       new year’s was kind of awesome. it had been a while since i’d attended a proper new year’s party, but fortunately my kinda boyfriend is good at throwing such things. it was also the first time i ever had a real kiss on nye, which is a little sad, but i suppose it was also nice to have one of those too-rare “first time experiences”. anyway, i got properly sloshed and went to bed somewhere around 6am. and i’m really hoping those videos don’t turn up on facebook or youtube.

       i still haven’t decided whether i’ll do any resolutions this year. i only vaguely outlined some in 2012 (in mid-february, too) but i guess now i only have to feel vaguely guilty about not keeping any of them. except in 2011 i had a proper list and kinda nailed it. perhaps that was me making a decision just then. dammit. now i have to write resolutions. i’ll do them later. right now it’s bed time.

       so about a month ago i signed up for this home delivery of local produce. it’s not a co-op, but that’s the easiest way to describe it. basically it’s a business that goes to the farmer’s market for me, negotiates a price, and delivers 1/2 bushel of amazingness to my door either weekly or every other week (the latter is my chosen option). i did it because i like the whole local and organic thing, and it gets me eating a better variety of veggies. so last week my box contained about a half dozen beets. i have hated beets since my mama tried to feed them to me from the little gerber bottle. nasty ass $h*t. so tonight i broke in one of my christmas presents that came early from home (since i’m flying home this year my parents sent some gifts ahead of time to avoid extra baggage on the way back — this box was unmarked and i opened it expecting something else and — voila! — christmas came early). let me tell you — i already love this thing. i went through a sweet potato, a red potato, and a beet in a matter of a couple minutes. and then, in my quest for better health, i deep-fried it all. hey, i am in the south. and omg. the beets were my favorite. ha! so good. the recipe is on my pinterest. not that it’s much of a recipe.

       so yeah… going home for xmas. first time in two years. kinda ambivalent about it, but it’s only for 4 days (not including travel days) and it is christmas. and it kinda sucked not really having one last year (on top of being all beat up from my wreck). i’m very much looking forward to sunday morning when my parents go to church and i can play the piano to an empty house. i miss it so much.

       it kinda scares me how much time has passed since i’ve been here. in nc, i mean. not that i have anywhere else to be. i was just looking back through some of the things that i keep track of and was surprised. “good lord, that was over a year ago?!” i remember when i first experienced that somewhat frightening feeling it was at my first full-time job at ‘the candy factory’. i quit not long after. there were a lot of things going on at the time, not the least of which was that i was in the thick of grappling with my sexuality (i started coming out at the end of that year). that was december 2008, and there’s another of those “has it really been that long?” moments.

       but i might be starting a new job soon. not the one they snubbed me on. another one. possibly better. a good spring-board job in a looks-impressive-on-a-resume sort of way. but i don’t have an offer yet, so we’ll see, but it is a very good chance. i just hope i like it — or at least can endure it. and that it pays decently. i’m poor.

       i’m also bored. good thing the world is ending in thirteen days.

       longest i’ve gone in a while without posting. i wonder if anyone still even checks this. last couple months have been kind of a blur with the rest. things happen, the clocks keep ticking. glad the freaking elections are over. very glad at most of the results. marriage equality in three more states and another struck down an outright ban. and the man who might help make that a little better is back in the oval office. looking at the map, it’s kinda funny–if you draw a horizontal line across the middle, all of the states with equality would be north of that line. i’m definitely in the wrong half.

       nothing really exciting happening for me personally. i’ve otherwise been kind of a lump, increasingly the hermit except for relatively infrequent outings with lance. it’s been almost a year with him, for what it is. actually a year a week from tomorrow. work is the same. i was all but promised a promotion, then they gave it to someone else last minute. that sucked. kinda renewed my eagerness to leave, and i told my boss as much. she offered me something else a few days later but it would have been a nightmare so i turned it down. she told me she didn’t blame me. still thinking i’ll finish my second year there (may 2013) then move on, to what i have no idea. even if i make it to my ideal places, then what? i think it’d be exciting for someone who was more driven and disciplined. i wish i was that. trying to save money at least, and not doing a terrible job of it with what i have, but i’m also starting to want to buy things. like a keyboard. a nice one. like this. i miss it so much. i haven’t played properly in 2+ years. i played once about a year ago, drunk, at a friend-of-a-friend’s. this song.

       what else. did a month on lumosity.com and got up to the 94th percentile for lumosity users in my age group. whatever that means. also trying to get in some quality livemocha time before my gold key runs out. really stupid, not using that. fortunately it was only $10 (normally $100). no, not writing. even though it’s nanowrimo. it’s killing me, that. did gym-pact for a while, but glitches were pissing me off. still made all my pacts, though, for about a month. got me back into workout mode, so i did p90x again for a week and haven’t done anything now for about two. trying to find the will to keep moving in so many ways. i’ll let you know how that goes. anyway. i know you’d love to read more about my exciting life, but it’s past time for bed. laters.

       new from my own personal street corner: i’m old.

       i wanted/needed to work on another “proper” post tonight (you know, the ones with capital letters), and while i’m nowhere close to being in the mood for that i wanted to write still (regardless of how wise that might be). so i’m currently sipping a gin and tonic and contemplating the meaning of it all. one of the few small comforts lately has been the opening of an abc store almost exactly one mile from my apartment. i only know the distance because it’s on my favorite jogging route and i always run to a point on the trail (which doubles as a sidewalk) just short of the store’s location before turning and giving myself a short walk-break. don’t pay attention to anything else visible on that. it’s pathetic. i only started running again this month and i’ve gone out twice so far. started running again because i couldn’t make it through a single p90x workout after my little post-vacation slide (after being somewhat of a machine before it, easily knocking out 5 workouts/week). and i need to. getting fat(ter) again. but yeah. totally trying to become an alcoholic before i turn 30, especially if i’m still stuck in the south. considering i’ll start feeling the buzz from a beer before i’m even half-way through it — i’ve got a lot of work to do. and you have to admit that a guy who can mix drinks gets extra hotness points. lord knows i need all the points i can get.

       i say that without even thinking of my little mini-vacation last weekend in charlotte to see the lovely jay brannan. he only performed for an hour, but it was everything i hoped it would be. the rest of the trip was a bit more so, but i won’t get into that here. i try to maintain some illusion of being a good girl. it really was a good trip, though. finally made it to the penguin and sampled their amazing fried pickles, even though i was told while there by one of the instigators of those shenanigans (who maintained a breathtaking 6-pack despite the fried pickle consumption) that there had been some drama a few years before and that the famous pickles of yesteryear were now being fried at a newer restaurant about a block over called the diamond. i’ll have to do that one on the next trip. the restaurant, i mean.

       oh, and my moods have been evening out, thanks in part, i’m sure, to help from my old friend sam-e. i swear that stuff kept me alive in college. i’m also noticing that the desire to strangle coworkers and patients has mostly diminished to more incidental levels. a catty edge still lingers (or was that always there?) that has almost gotten me in trouble a couple times after i made patients reschedule because i wasn’t in the mood to deal with their crap, but i was very proud of myself for largely keeping my cool today when a septuagenarian thought he knew more about current ophthalmology billing and coding practices than i do. the silly bitch. he’ll get his bill.

       i’m trying to avoid a much larger topic, though, and it might be inappropriate to mention it at the bottom of a somewhat irreverent post, but it’s also the reason i’m trying to talk about anything but. there aren’t many that read this blog that i know personally, but of those who do know me and my family i’ll ask that you keep this here, between us, at least for now, simply because i don’t know if they’re telling anyone yet and i’m sure they don’t want to be bombarded even though the news will be spreading soon and they inevitably will be bombarded. but my brother and sister-in-law lost their baby today. she was 7-months along, due early october, and we were all very excited. for my brother’s birthday this year i bought him a huge wooden block set because the best memories that we have of our childhood are of the two of us playing these games with our father where he would build these impossibly high towers of blocks and we would try to knock them down. and i know he wasn’t even born yet, but it’s mostly because i know how happy they were and i know they already had dreams for him and now she has to go to the hospital tomorrow and go through labor to deliver him and i just can’t imagine…

       keep them in your thoughts, if you would.

       *update* nevermind. apparently they had sent a mass email to their church before i even knew about it. yay family.

       new from my own personal street corner: why is it so much fun when gay scandal rocks the christian world? today we discuss why it’s an embarrassment to be caught in the closet and the need for honesty. click here for more…

       new from my own personal street corner: if there’s supposed to be a separation of church and state, why do political parties and religion go hand in hand? more here…

       so. i’m entirely aware of how silly it is to be giving you an update on the last ~month and how i was affected by a vacation. perhaps it’s also silly that i was so deeply affected by it at all. but i was. it’s been a weird six weeks. very moody. the first day back to work was probably the worst. i had a quiet anxiety attack on the bus on the way there, almost quit while i was there, then came home and drank wine until i fell asleep. that kinda set the tone for the following month, which was most of the reason why it took me so long to get those travelogues out. i was swinging in a way that would make carrie fisher proud. fortunately i’m evening out now, getting (slowly) back into an exercise routine, even writing a bit. instead of having to bite my tongue every day to keep from telling my boss that i want to leave, now i only have to do it about every other day or two (which is closer to normal). it was definitely the implosion that i feared.

       but what i didn’t expect was that i’d still feel it this far out. that choice, i mean. the one about either imploding or exploding. and i’m starting to think that i might be able to do both, go backwards from black hole to supernova. ha. maybe not quite that. but i feel like i’m finding a little hope again, fleeting though it might be, and i’m trying to take advantage of it. for starters, i’ve created another blog, and i even use capital letters: digitalglair.blogspot.com. no, it’s not misspelled. the first few results on google combined with the homophone (and the simple fact that it’s a homophone) should convince you of how perfect the choice is. there’s only one post so far, written today, but combined with my mad marketing skills (i.e. shameless self-promotion) it already has over 180 page views. i don’t really expect it to go anywhere, but perhaps the simple act of writing somewhat outside of myself (i.e. not these rambling, emotional posts) will get me back into the writing groove. and i’m sure the ad revenue i expect to receive will at least let me buy that pack of gum i’ve had my eye on at the food lion down the road.

       so we’ll see where this goes. no, i still don’t have a plan. kind of have a vague goal of completing my second year at the clinic (may 2013) then moving on. i told myself when i moved here that i don’t want to turn 30 in north carolina and i’m still holding tightly to that. i have to do the two year thing, though, because at that point i’m reimbursed for 75% of my accrued paid time off (i still had over 100 hours after taking my vacation) as opposed to only 50% anytime before that. it doesn’t go up to 100% until the five year mark and — fuck that shit. at that point i’ll also have a little less than $4,000 from the required state retirement contributions that will help get me settled elsewhere. and at this point there’s only one major thing (apart from myself) that could throw a wrench in the works, but i won’t get into that here just yet, if at all. it’s one of those potentially major life choices that i might regret later, but by may of next year it could be moot. anyway.

       i’m going to try to update more. i promise i’ll try. at the very least i’ll be updating the new blog more often. i really want to take another stab at this writer thing. i’d all but given up on that, if you couldn’t tell. i hope it lasts. k. bed time. later taters.