my long-time readers probably won't remember the incident several years ago when i passed out after giving plasma. it was mildly entertaining. i had been fine during the donation, but it was later, as i was leaving, that i noticed my arm had been improperly bandaged and that i was bleeding again. i had asked for help and someone changed the bandage, and just as she was finishing i woke up on the floor. well... it happened again yesterday. this time she had even walked away when i started feeling woozy. i really don't like the sight of blood gushing out of me without the tubes and machines attached to give it back. but i crouched on the ground and put my head between my knees because i knew i was going. a couple female employees asked me if i was ok and told me to get up and sit on one of the beds. when i said that i just needed to breathe, they came to me and tried to help me up. then i woke up on the floor. apparently there was another guy who had come up to help and it was his arms that i passed out in. he was pretty cute, too. anyway, this episode was particularly embarrassing because when i realized that i was bleeding i was on my way to the bathroom because i really had to pee. and when i woke up i didn't have to anymore. yeah...

       probably one of the more embarrassing moments of my life. especially because they were pretty busy and there were all sorts of people around. but one kind employee threw her lab coat over me so that it just looked like they were keeping me warm. and they gave me a pair of scrubs to wear home. except they only had one pair of spare scrubs and they were 2XLs. now i was very happy for them, but i have a 30-inch waist and they gave me a pair of pants that would fit an individual with a 56-inch waist. so i got to say cool things like "it's hammer time!" as i was driving home. it's ok, you can laugh. i am.

       i think i'm going to go see a movie tonight. i really need to get out of the house. someone want to come with me? please?

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day twenty-eight. say something to your fifteen year old self.

       garret already said it to his fifteen year old self, but i had thought of it before he posted his (i swear!). because if there was anything i needed to hear it was this: you're gay. get over it. enjoy it. spare yourself the heartache and insanity.

       i'm kind of in a blogging funk. i was writing the next challenge, though, and i was here, so i figured i should take the opportunity.

       got my new phone. i've been playing with it way too much. i really like it. and it doesn't push random buttons or call people when i don't want it to. it's way too easy to turn off the alarm, though. my blackberry had a relentless alarm. and the only other thing i miss is the blinking red light that tells me i have a new message and which doesn't go away until i give it some attention. but it's cool. way too easy to push the little "buy now" button on the apps, though. some are pretty nifty, though. i got one that tells you when you can run to go pee in the middle of a movie, how much time you have, and it tells you what you missed while you were gone. =P

       i've been slowly getting back on the work-out wagon since falling off after the move. only a few trips to the trail (i really miss the mkt -- lots more people and water fountains and so much shade), but i've been jogging some on my parents' treadmill (still not nearly as much) and lifting perhaps a little more than i was before. so... yeah. hopefully i won't balloon up.

       i've been going crazy the last few days. nothing major -- just a slow descent into the depths of shame and torment and loneliness. i really miss my friends. and no luck in the new friends dept. but i made a cake today and that helped. white with raspberry filling and white frosting. mmm.

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day twenty-seven. the last thing that made you cry.

       a boy. of course.

       i've always been a dreamer. a big dreamer. and for myself i've only really had two main dreams that, whatever else i may have wanted or whatever else may have happened, i could imagine myself being ok if i had one of these two. and i wanted them badly. both have always existed -- even when i was very, very young i wanted to be either a singer/musician or a writer. or both. the first twenty years of my life (maybe a little less) were dominated by the desire to sing. i wanted it so bad i was in pain. the desire was so great that even now when i think about it, though i realize that it's not going to happen, i still feel a little twinge, and that was nearly ten years ago. but i got some training and sang as much as i could and even made a cd. haha. but by then the ever so practical dream of being a writer started to fill in between the tatters of my singing career. i'm still kinda stuck on that one, and i'm starting to worry that the edges of this one are fraying like the one before it did, but this time there isn't anything to fill in the gaps. it's what i want to do. definitely a "here goes nuthin'" sort of thing.

       it's kinda sad that all four text messages i've received so far today were twitter updates from davey wavey. yeah, don't ask.

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day twenty-six. talk about the last "random act of kindness" you encountered.

       i'm a little bit stumped on this one. and troubled that i'm stumped. i can think of plenty acts of kindness, but it's the "random" that gets me. my cat just randomly jumped on my lap to snuggle. that was kind. and certainly appreciated. so there.

       hi. so i finally completed and submitted my freelance application for the local restaurant review thing. it wasn't my best work, but i needed to get it in. wish me luck. =) how was everyone's weekend?

       favorite word of the day: gymnasium. the word gymnasium is derived from the combining form gymno-, meaning nude or bare (in ancient greece, they did train in their birthday suits). i'm thinking we should start taking a retro approach to our workouts, yes? (a portion of this was taken from wordsmith.org's a.word.a.day e-newsletter.)

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day twenty-five. tats.

       so i'm supposed to show and tell or talk about why or why not as far as tattoos go. unfortunately i don't have anything to show you today. i've always kinda wanted something. well, a few somethings. but let's face it -- i have commitment issues. and i'd really have to be sure about what and where. i've always liked the triquetra, or perhaps some stylization of the symbol for the deathly hallows (quite similar to the triquetra). but so far i've just settled for a triquetra necklace. at one point i wanted to get "expecto patronum." and lately i've been thinking about something to do with the four elements, and no, not because of "the last airbender," though i did love that cartoon. but i'm not sure. at this point i probably never will, but who knows. piercings, however, are a different story. i don't have any yet, but i really want to get the upper auricle on my right ear pierced. higher than what's shown in that link, between the auricle and the pinna. but i can't because i still give plasma, and not only would they defer me for a year for getting a new piercing, they'd also defer me permanently for being a gay. because we all have aids. that's the one place in my life where i'm not out. sucks.

       wow, i didn't realize that it had been a couple days already. time flies when... no, that doesn't quite work. anywho. my phone is acting all possessed again. occasionally it decides to wig out and text random people and push random buttons and send texts when i'm in the middle of composing them and call random people. it's tres annoying. and it's not like an every once in a while it will push a random button thing -- this morning it sent my friend chris 18 blank text messages within about 3 minutes before i caught it and turned on the keypad lock. the "T" and the "U" also stick, either inserting extra letters or refusing to insert any at all. and the trackball can't select anything (and i'm on my second trackball). i really like the blackberry, but... i've been eligible for an upgrade for about 6 months now and... i've really been wanting one (i've had 22 applications sitting in my iTunes waiting for the inevitable) and... i just got my final paycheck today from which wich. so i blew it. well, actually, i blew a little more than what was on that check. but i really needed to. the battery on my blackberry hardly lasts a day anymore (and it's my second battery), and if it's humid outside it wigs out even more than usual and more buttons stick and... i'm really trying to justify this, aren't i? i did need a new phone. maybe i didn't need an iPhone in particular -- but i wanted it. so i got it. just an 8 gig 3GS. couldn't afford the new one or the bigger one, but this one will do nicely. because of the holiday i probably won't get it until wednesday. but i'm excited.

       which brings me to a point of order. the holiday is on sunday. why the heck is everyone closed on monday, too!? lazy bastards, the lot of 'em, i think. even if i had a job i'd probably be pissed to be missing out on valuable hours.

       which reminds me -- i really need to keep going on those applications.

       oh, but i got disc two of season two of ally mcbeal today and i really need to go watch that. mhm.

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day twenty-four. reveal your most guilty pleasure.

       i probably have a lot of things that other people would think i should be guilty about enjoying. but of course i'm not. perhaps the closest thing, though, would be food. i even feel guilty when i eat a healthy meal, even if i love it. and i can't buy candy/cookies/ice cream. though i do every once in a while and i often eat it all very quickly. but i eat it. and i need to be losing weight and getting healthy and all of that good stuff.

       i also like to spend money unwisely.

       so i just got an email to inform me that my favorite t-shirt company, woot.com, is being acquired by my favorite everything company, amazon.com. now i've always loved amazon, but that love became the forever and ever amen kind of love when they bought the seventh hand-made copy of the tales of beedle the bard, sending nearly $4 million to jo's charity. and it became the i wanna have your babies kinda love when they came out with my beloved kindle. but i swear, one day amazon and google will rule the world. i can see them skipping together, hand in hand in a meadow with wildflowers and butterflies and maybe even a sparkly vampire.

       but for serious. they already own zappos and audible ( ) and imdb and cdnow and lots of others. and now woot!

       i love amazon. i got an email from them today, actually, telling me that they shipped one of my subscribe and save items. i love that feature. even cheaper than walmart.

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day 23. write a love letter to yourself.

dear yourself:

       i don't know who you are. i was just told to write a love letter to you. so. i love you.

       oh. doesn't count? hm. take two. dear self:

       it was fun sleeping in with you today. it was especially nice when hermes jumped in bed just before eight and snuggled with us for a bit before the alarm went off. the cat can love you, so you must not be entirely unlovable. you are better than i think, though. i know i put you down way too much, and i'm sorry for that. i give you a ton of crap about your body, but we've been working on that and have been making a lot of really good progress, even if we have been slipping a little since living with your parents. but we can get back in the groove again. it'll take some time, but we'll get there. and i know it's been really tough being back home -- i know you're feeling like you don't have much of a future, but it's not true. i really do believe that you could go places if you apply yourself. we need to work on that one, too. but i have confidence in you. i know we don't get along all the time -- we fight a lot and we get over emotional and sometimes we just detest one another, but i want you to know that i'm in it for the long haul. even if you are crazy. and we have some amazing friends, too. so keep writing. you can be good at that sometimes, even if you do write horrible love letters. just steer clear of romance novels. but you can definitely go for the models that pose for the covers. and don't worry so much about finding mr. right. even if he never comes along, we'll always have each other. and amazon, along with it's new acquisition of woot.com. so, be well, self. take care of yourself. and i'm sure, deep, deep, very deep down inside, i do love you.

sincerely,
me

       i have a huge crush on david bromstad. major crush. my mom watches a lot of hgtv, which is weird because she has terrible design tastes. my parents' house is overrun with americana. but he comes on every day at 2:30pm and if i see him while walking by i just have to sit and watch. so talented. and hot. very hot. he's only ten years older than me. which is weird because i usually don't go for guys that are that much older. the only thing that might throw a wrench in the works of our relationship, though, is that he lives in miami and i'm not a big fan. yes, i'm sure that'd be the only thing. but we could overcome that little hurdle because it's just meant to be.

       i found this apartment in downtown kansas city that i fell in love with. wonderful. and not too expensive. it's near the artsy part of town, kinda between the plaza and crown center. the plaza is a shopping district that i've always loved and crown center is where hallmark's offices are (should i get a job there -- something i still need to work on). but i'm getting antsy. i need to finish up this portfolio for hallmark and it's taking me forever because it has to be perfect so they'll give me the job. then maybe david will decide to relocate and we'll live happily ever after. fingers crossed.

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day 22. your deepest fear.

       being alone.

       yesterday i went to a celebration of heterosexual love and the sanctity of marriage. it was my cousin's wedding. he's in the army and he had a week off so they wanted to hurry up and get married while he was here. it was a lovely ceremony. i giggled a little at her white dress as her two daughters watched from the front row. he even threw her over his shoulder fireman style and ran down the aisle when it was all finished. so romantic. and sacred.

       it was weird. first wedding i've been to since i've been out, and i probably shouldn't have gone. it wasn't bad -- i just couldn't help feeling extremely out of place. and it was the first time i've seen several family members since coming out, so a bit awkward there. my uncle didn't say a word to me, just gave me funny sideways glances, perhaps scared that i'd start stripping and dancing around a pole throwing rainbow condoms everywhere like flavored confetti. but i'm happy for them. and i have to wonder how many of them would strip me of my rights if given the chance.

       i have another in a couple weeks. some really good friends in columbia. mixed feelings, of course, but they're awesome people and i am truly happy for them and happy to support them.

       i'm kind of in a weird mood. slept this afternoon and i shouldn't have because i'm all lethargic now. but i just found out that he's back with his old boyfriend, too -- the one he said he wasn't over yet. obviously. and i am happy for him, too. but i'm kinda tired of being happy for other people.

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day 21. a recipe.

White Chocolate Cheesecake (Chicago Style)

Ingredients:
3/4 cup sugar, divided
1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, softened
1 1/2 tsp. vanilla, divided
1 cup flour
4  8oz. packages cream cheese, softened
2 pkgs (12oz.) Baker's White Chocolate, melted, slightly cooled
4 eggs
1 pint (2 cups) raspberries
1 cup sugar for raspberries (optional)

Preheat oven to 325 degrees (recipe says 300 for dark pans, but that didn't quite work for me). Beat 1/4c. sugar, the butter, and 1/2 tsp. of the vanilla in a small bowl with an electric mixer on medium speed until light and fluffy. Gradually add the flour, mixing on low speed after each addition until well blended. Press firmly onto bottom of a 10" springform pan, pricking many times with a fork. Bake 25 minutes or until edge is lightly browned.

Beat cream cheese, remaining 1/2c. sugar, and remaining 1 tsp. vanilla in a large bowl with an electric mixer on medium speed until well blended. Add melted chocolate; mix well. Add eggs, one at a time, beating on low speed after each addition just until blended. Pour over slightly cooled crust.

Bake 55-60 minutes or until center is almost set. Cool slightly, then run a knife around edge of pan to loosen the cake. Cover and refrigerate 4 hours or overnight. Remove springform edge and top with berries just before serving (I used frozen berries and boiled them for a few minutes in a saucepan with the sugar -- no extra liquid -- for an extra yummy topping). Enjoy! Store leftovers in the fridge. Good luck with that.

       i hurt. i'm usually pretty crazy about the sunscreen because i'm really, really pale. if i didn't have freckles i would probably be an albino. and there's the whole family history of skin cancers and such. and i don't like having a sunburn. but today i picked blueberries. i didn't think i'd be out there very long and it was about 10am so i didn't think the sun would be that bad anyway. heh. i should have turned around when i walked out the door and realized it was already over 90 degrees. anyway, my mom has a half dozen or so blueberry bushes. she started over ten years ago with 2 and gradually increased to about a half dozen now, producing at different times over the summer. the idea was to have blueberries coming all summer long, but then the bushes established themselves and one bush will provide enough for the summer and then some. we pick them every couple days and we'll get about a gallon of berries from each picking. so we have a ton of blueberries. we give a lot away and mom freezes the rest. we still have a couple bags left from last year. we've already given away a couple gallons this year and we've eaten about as many and so far there are three gallons in the freezer with only two bushes going at the moment and there are still plenty of green ones left on those. heh. so i was out there for about an hour and a half today, picking blueberries and sweating buckets and burning to a crisp. speaking of, blueberry crisp sounds really good right now.

       in other news, i've officially lost 30 pounds since the big weight gain of 2006-2008. i'm actually about where i was before i started gaining, around 160, but i had a lot more muscle back then. i'm aiming for about 10-15 more. should have my abs back at that point. except i've really fallen off the exercise wagon over the last couple weeks. i've only gone 11 miles this week and lifted once or twice. i think it's treadmill time.

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day twenty. a hobby of yours.

       yeah, i know, i'm entirely disregarding the whole "day" thing. but i'm still getting through them and that's what matters, right? so. down to it. a hobby. not really sure what counts as a hobby. dictionary time. from m-w.com, a hobby is "a pursuit outside one's regular occupation engaged in especially for relaxation." well, i don't really have an occupation at the moment. there are several things that i do. like reading or writing or music, any of which would probably be considered hobbies to any contributing member of society. my life is kinda made up of hobbies. i love movies, i cross-stitch, i walk/jog, i exercise, i have a cat (can a cat be a hobby?), i give plasma (which i guess would be my occupation at the moment), i attempt to date, i cook, i try to organize my stuff... yeah, i'm feeling pretty useless at the moment. quite a bit, actually.

       the job search continues. i haven't done too much, but i've applied to the four closest starbucks stores and today i've been working on my portfolio for hallmark cards. i've also been looking through freelance opportunities on mediabistro.com, and i really wish i'd have thought more about a career while i was in college or had some sort of direction. my advisor was universally acknowledged as quite horrible. but a lot of the positions that i'm interested in require at least a couple years of experience in the field, and i don't think they'd accept sandwich or candy making or grocery store customer service as such. so... yeah. meanwhile there's always plasma. and my parents are giving me jobs to do so i don't feel like a complete tool.

       insert expletive here.

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day nineteen. a talent of yours.

       oh, let me tell you... i've been told that i'm quite talented.

       ha. it's really funny to me that a commercial for viagra just came on tv. because, you know, that last line was supposed to be a joke of a somewhat seckshooal nature.

       anyway. um. my mom tells me that i mow lawns real good. and that i could do anything i want to.

       *sigh*