is this thing still on?

       it almost feels like one of those awkward meetings after a long time where you don’t really have anything to say but you could talk about a lot of meaningless things if you wanted to and you don’t really have the energy but you’re going to anyway.

       as of today i’m kinda giving up on the whole home-gym thing — broke down and bought a membership… at my job. ahh, university gyms… i’m going to have to behave myself. but after another stuttered attempt to get back into the p90x routine i decided i needed a place. i do well when i have a place. p90x is an incredible program, don’t get me wrong. kicks my ass. but it’s a lot easier to sit down on the couch when you’re already right in front of it. so now i have a place. i didn’t even tour it first. haha. but because i work there it’s $12.50/month… yeah. i’m kinda excited.

       the job is going well, though. there have been a couple teeth-gnashing moments, but i love the autonomy and i’m good at it. already have the big annual event behind me (which was crazy stressful the week of but it went well and now i know what to expect next year) and right now my big project is adding a fellowship program. it’s very busy. lots of work. the job in general, i mean. but the days go quickly, which is always nice, and i have so much more energy at the end of the day compared to when i was dealing with patients. as far as jobs go, it’s not bad. but definitely not a long-term solution either.

       ummm… other things have happened. heh. the pseudo-boyfriend is more like just a friend now. i saw him this week for the first time since the end of january. it was really good to see him, but it felt… different. otherwise, lance had been the bulk of my social life since well before i moved to durham, so it almost feels like i’m at square one in a new town. i’ve never been very proactive at the whole real human interaction thing. people are a lot of work. and disappointment is exhausting. i decided to try a bit harder when i started to routinely catch myself having conversations out loud with myself or the cat. being in my own little world at work exacerbates that problem. i’ve had a handful of other dates, which have been largely good, even if they just get me out of the apartment to be social for a bit. but i’m getting tired of weekends spent playing minecraft or …watching netflix. no, i’ve not been writing. surprise.

       it’s not quite “survival mode”, but it’s almost that. i’m not depressed, just bored/lonely. i’m going to be 30 in a few months. four months and five days. it’s not a happy countdown timer. when i turned 27 i thought i was going to be ok with 30. 28, i noticed some lines but the creams sorted them out. 29, i started losing my shit. i’m not as panicked about it as i was a few months ago. it’s not like it’s going to be a difficult thing to do. and i don’t really have much of a choice in the matter. i don’t want to be alone, though. i’m considering another trip to nyc if i can afford it. weeeee’ll seeeeee.

       laundry time. it’s exciting.