some of you may remember that i once tried to be a vegetarian. i think most gays go through the phase. it was short lived, but it led to a major cutback in how much meat i eat and an almost complete elimination of beef (living at home has made that more difficult and, let's face it, i like a steak or burger on occasion). i had many reasons for going veg -- the u.s. is the #1 consumer of meats and we cannot sustain our addiction with what we raise domestically so we've also become the #1 importer. because we can afford to pay more and because we create a smaller supply in the originating countries, the price of meat in those countries skyrockets until the farmers who raise the animals can't even afford to buy the stuff. much of our grain is also devoted to feeding the animals (it's all feed corn now, which is a cheaper and more fattening food) so neither do we produce enough grain for humans to eat and we get the same story again. so basically the u.s. is greatly exacerbating world hunger because of our addiction to meat. also, if you've ever seen the documentary "food, inc." you'd never want to eat a hamburger again. it's fucking disgusting.

       i'll also mention the movie "powder" with the uber-hot sean patrick flanery. nevermind the fact that he's gay, there's a scene in the movie when some guys are out hunting and one of them shoots a doe. powder proceeds to put one hand on the dying doe and one on the guy who shot her and is able to make the man feel the pain and terror of the animal, after which he never hunts again. it's an interesting scene that always stuck with me.

       the point of all this? last night my brother went deer hunting. on my way home from work i got a call from my father asking me to rush home and get some bullets to my brother who had run out after shooting a buck. the shot wasn't immediately fatal and my brother couldn't get close enough to finish it off with a knife but he wanted to stay and watch as it thrashed so that he wouldn't lose it if it managed to get up again. well, my grandmother was able to get the bullets to him first, fortunately, but as he was getting them from her he managed to lose it anyway. they tracked the poor thing for three hours trying to find it again, which they eventually did, but it left me thoroughly disgusted.

       all i want to know is why? i think it's a delusion saying that it's population control. god knows humans need population control, too, but we can't buy permits to shoot those. unfortunately. and it certainly isn't necessity, nor is it cheaper. after permit and processing costs you could probably get the same amount of meat from a grocery store for less. which leaves one thing: sport. killing for sport. it's barbaric and cruel. and i really, really want to punch my brother in the face right now, especially after being that irresponsible. he let the poor thing suffer for three hours and now it's hanging like a trophy from a tree in the back yard. it's small, too, barely a 4-point.

       i swear i was adopted.

       so what do you think? am i overreacting? is it just the natural order of things?

       speaking of big softy, i need to go work out. i really need to get into a routine again, and no better time than the present.

       laters.

       i haven't withered as much as i thought i would have after having my computer access severely restricted. i've been catching up on my netflix, which has been nice, but i'm getting increasingly antsy. i feel like i'm on some sort of time crunch to produce something worth publishing before i die so that all the claims of wanting to be a writer don't make me look like such the collossal fool (that, secretly or not-so-secrelty, i am). it's an urgency fueled by these movies and tv shows depicting people going about their happy lives in cities like boston or new york or london -- places that i would instantly run to if afforded the opportunity by some publishing success. or a sugar daddy -- let's face it, i'm not that proud. but the theme of my more antagonistic thoughts plays in that maddening loop and makes me wonder if i'm getting too old for such fantasies. also starting to wonder if it's a now or never type of thing. i'm not getting any younger.

       i'm not used to the darkness outside my window. both because of the end of daylight savings and because my parents are frustratingly in the middle of nowhere. i miss the persistent orange hum of the streetlight right outside that would remind me that there were people nearby. and i miss having people i love nearby. there are some small comforts, though. the stars here are amazing. i've said that before. ever since i was a child i'd look up at orion and find comfort in his twinkling protection. i always looked forward to autumn and winter, when i'd see him again. isn't that silly? i haven't really thought of that in a while as columbia's lights dimmed all but the brightest stars. but it's been nice to have that again, especially considering i've been slowly cracking up since moving back here.

       i've been talking about moving into town, though, and i may be able to before too long. i'll have enough to buy a new computer by next friday. i probably could have ordered it last week if i skimped on a couple wish list items, but i thought i'd just wait. then i want to build up a considerable savings again before moving out. but i had a thought. i could save for a couple months, get a couple months' worth of rent in the bank, and move out. a friend from columbia told me this week that he's wanting to move here in the summer and wondered if i'd be interested in rooming, which would be great. it's a little longer than i was hoping to be with the 'rents, but it's not a big deal. or... i could save up for a little longer and go for something a little bigger. like boston or new york or london. or edinburgh. that wasn't on the first list in the first paragraph, but it's definitely on that list. i don't know anyone there, though. i've been talking for years about moving out of missouri, but it's always just been talk. even now that's probably all it is. i'm nowhere near being able to do that, and who knows what will happen in the near future. but the thought keeps me going and right now that's a good thing.

       i need to go for a run, then shower and bed. early shift in the morning.
 

       well, it's official. my computer's dead. or the screen is, anyway, and the monitor that i was using as a replacement also went out. nice bit of irony there. so i'll largely be absent from computer-land for the next few weeks as i continue to save up for the new one. hopefully that will happen within the next couple paychecks. in the meantime i've been using my parent's computer, but i don't have many chances to access it and their computer is sadder than mine despite beng a much newer model. makes me feel a little proud of my tech-savvy. the car didn't sell within its listing period, though, mostly from lack of effort on my part. i had about 50 calls and only 2 of those came out to take a look at it. the first guy barely fit in the car so i knew he wasn't going to buy it. the second was buying it for his daughter and she didn't like the maroon. very frustrating, and i'm kicking myself for not trying to sell it when i had more time, but then i couldn't afford to sell it at that point either. but that was going to be the new computer. so. here i am.

       the halloween costume is coming together better than i expected. i've been pretty nervous about my first drag experience, but i've been practicing with the makeup and i think i finally have it down. i've discovered that cream eyeliners are far superior to pencils and false lashes are a bitch. i'm ditching the lipstick, which was a little too garish even for halloween, and upon finding this nifty little padded bra thing at gordman's while shopping for lady pants i've decided to go for the boobs, which really make a difference. i'm using socks to fill 'em out tonight for a halloween party, but a friend is bringing water insert thingies to work tomorrow that i'll be able to use. i don't look much like flo, but it's fun. i'm sure pictures will make their way to facebook. and by the way, the lady pants make my ass look awesome. but let's just say i'm glad i'm wearing that progressive apron. those pants leave nothing to the imagination.

       i'm off to do some sewing, though. final touches on the costume. everyone have fun this weekend! be safe.

       <edit>

yeah. i got first place. =)

       </edit>

       so did anyone else see the rocky horror glee show tonight? definitely glad i dvr'd that one. raised my temperature a couple degrees. i definitely need to watch the original again.

       i got packages in the mail today! expecting a whole slew of them over the next few days. yeah, i've been bad about saving up for that new computer (as the screen flickers threateningly) and my car isn't selling, partly because i friggin' hate selling it. oh, no, i want to get rid of it. but the whole calling people back and answering questions and meeting with them thing. i'm going to try to bribe my dad to do it. anyway. the packages today were mostly a couple gift items for friends along with a few books that i'm excited about. the next few should contain pieces of my halloween costume, which, fingers crossed, will earn me that $100 gift card up for grabs at work. i'm going as flo from the progressive commercials. i really like progressive as a company (VERY gay friendly, great service, good insurance). i got my whole family to switch. really, i did. it's my first foray into drag, though, and i'm both nervous and excited. and i'm going all out, the costume complete with a wig and makeup and false eyelashes. i think i'm going to leave out the boobs, though. as my friend dan commented, she doesn't have much anyway. i'll just get a tighter shirt and let my own hang out. it's also the first time in a long time, and the second time ever, that i've dressed up for halloween. for that alone i'm excited. it's definitely one of my favorites.

       what are all of you doing for halloween?

       oy. bed time. for some reason i never have any time anymore.

       i seem to be something of a hunter/quester after all. i wonder if it's a thing hard wired into the y chromosome, but i'm finding myself in a funny situation where i'm asking... now what? go ahead, draw your conclusions. you probably won't be too far off. needless to say, it was a good weekend. the grail turned out to be not as shiny as i expected or, more appropriately, hoped, and i'm feeling somewhat deflated tonight, mostly upset with myself for hoping for impossible things. but i'm also crossing a few wires in my brain and all the emotions are getting confused, so maybe things will settle down shortly. yes, i'm being cryptic on purpose. my kc gay bar cherry was popped over the weekend, though. i had to laugh at myself because i found it strange that the place had multiple rooms, multiple bars, and every inch of it was packed (hehe). but it turned out to be simultaneously more and less intimidating than i expected. certainly more people than the columbia bars and a far greater variety, which was refreshing. kinda disappointed in the drag show, though. it seemed like more of an afterthought, tucked away in a corner with very little structure or attention. granted, i didn't see much of it, but it was obvious that it wasn't nearly the entertaining production that i came to know in como. but this was only one of the bars. we even took a cab, which, thinking about it now, was my first time ever riding in a taxi. that's kinda funny. it was all a good time, though. and about time.

       today was the 24th, or yesterday was. for a long time it has been one of my favorite dates, simply on nerd principle, and you can see by my pulse that i still honored it, even if you have no idea what i'm talking about. it's always so wonderfully autumny, though, which you know is my favorite season, and then there's the whole, well, nerd part of it. i actually requested today off, in hopes of getting some writing in and of enjoying the day, but i didn't get much of that done. i think i'd rather blame it on the time of the month or being uber-exhausted from the weekend (i still had to work saturday morning after being out till 3, and since there was no way i could drive that night i had to get up at 7 to drive the hour back to my house to shower and change into my work clothes before driving the 45 minutes back to work -- have i mentioned that i hate living in the country?) than thinking about it too much, which is what i'll inevitably do if i keep rambling on.

       i'm trying to make something right now, and i want it to be perfect. except i'm kinda giving up on it because i'm convinced that it won't be. sometimes i feel very silly and out of touch with what's going on around me, which isn't a good thing for someone who wants to be a writer. i hate not knowing how people will respond to things.

       bed time. past bed time, actually. ninight.

       i haven't even known the guy for twelve hours and i'm already going crazy about him. not a good sign. or maybe it is and it'll be one of those intense but fleeting things that won't leave me in pieces like every other guy i've fallen for -- just a fond memory to look back on occasionally when i think of october afternoons or dark chocolate eyes. we spent the afternoon with a mutual friend at the final day of the renaissance festival in kansas city, and it was such a good time. our friend even remarked later to me that he had never seen him so unreserved with someone new. we really seemed to click. but no, this will probably be a doozy, just like the others. because, just like the other guys that i fall for, it's kind of a foregone conclusion that he won't be interested. that's kinda how it works for me. but i could not take my eyes off him. just.... wow.

       k, back to real life now.

<edit> 10/19. talked to him for over an hour tonight. he initiated. we seem to have a lot in common. we both have random schedules (he's a nursing student and an EMT), but both want to meet up again soon. fingers crossed, heart pounding. exciting stuff, folks. </edit>

<edit 2.0> 10/21. date tomorrow night. wish me luck! =) </edit 2.0>

       it's no secret that the last few months have been pretty tough for me. even i'm starting to get sick of all my whining and "woe is me." maybe it's the fact that it's autumn (by far my favorite) or that i have something of an income now, or perhaps it's simply that i'm getting used to the way things are, but the thought struck me this morning that i'm actually thriving. it might only be on a level equivalent to that of a bacterium in a petri dish (in terms of social standing, not rate of growth), but i'm bolstered by the realization that in some ways i've been at my best. i came to this conclusion after speaking with a couple friends in similarly tough times. their attitudes and feelings reminded me of my own, and the hope and optimism that i have for them allowed me to take a step back out of my own wallowing to see that the dark times often turn out to be some of my favorite.

       several days ago i happened through a bit of channel surfing to come across the remake of "the day the earth stood still." the character played by the wonderful john cleese, here proclaimed a world leader (as a thinker, not a person in a position of political or religious power), said "it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. only at the precipice do we evolve. this is our moment." my feeling has been something like that, a throwback to my old perhaps naive but still favorite topic of hope, a thing which the second matrix film profoundly characterized as "simultaneously the source of your greatest strength and your greatest weakness," a statement that i've found to be quite true (which is perhaps the reason i'm so fascinated by the subject).

       i know that i have been evolving over the last couple months. faced with a precipice of my own, many times (and still) wondering if it would be better to give up entirely on my rather ridiculous dream of sustaining myself as an author, it only takes a glance at my notebooks and computer documents to see that i've written more in the last month or so than in all the rest of 2010. and i have a job which may afford me the chance to be self-reliant within a few more months. the economy is still very squarely in the crapper, as is my mood more often than not, but in keeping (relatively) up on current opinions and trends, there's certainly a note of cautious optimism. such is the case with queer rights (at least in the u.s.) as well. the phrase "all men are created equal" is still something of a humorless joke, but there have been several extremely important advancements in the courts as well as with public opinion (which, for the first time in recent history, the (still small) majority supports equality). will this be a great human precipice that will bring about some wonderful evolution? probably not. but there's hope, and that's the point.

       i'm not handling things very well right now. i'll be the first to say it. had a few life upheavals this summer and i'm still trying to find my footing. it's been three months. then in the last couple weeks i've been trying to get over a stubborn eye infection, started back at my first job, my computer has been acting up (i'm really hoping it will last just another month), and then tonight i was on my way to hang out with this guy i've been kinda seeing (sporadically -- tonight he was going to take me out on the town for my first kansas city gay bar experience, which would have been our fourth date since the end of july) and i get a flat tire just a few miles from home, which takes me about a half hour to change because i'm bummed out and i couldn't get the stupid bolts off the wheel (which just pissed me off because i'm fairly strong). after that i was all sweaty and dirty and i kinda melted into a puddle there on the side of the road.

       i just want something to work.

       i've been slacking this week. i haven't written a word. i still haven't done the kweeny post for mid-september yet, and if i don't do it soon it will be the second mid-month post i've missed in a row. turning out to be a bad queen and this is only my eighth month. a friend of mine who may or may not read this blog sent me a message tonight that said "don't be tired of hoping. just because it is not what you expected it to be doesn't mean you are not where you should be." despite myself, it kinda helps a little. i don't really know how much i believe in whether there is some sort of grand cosmic plan laid out by interdimensional white mice, but it certainly helps me sympathize a little with those who do. in the least it gives me something to swear at.

       he called me, the guy i was meeting -- he tried to cheer me up a little, which worked some. i think we're both realizing that i'm not exactly relationship ready, though. which is kind of unfortunate. guess we'll see what happens.

       bed time. hope you're all well.

       sure, it was a question from a couple days ago, but i just saw it because i'm hip and up to date like that. and even though most of you know the answer already i'm going to answer it anyway then just keep on rambling like i usually do because i can. english with an emphasis in fiction creative writing and an incomplete minor in linguistics because i'm a "see things through" kinda guy. hm. i really am, though. sometimes a little too much. do i wish i'd have studied something else? sometimes, yes. i liked science, too, and i'd probably have a better chance of a salaried job right now had i gone that route. and i almost did music, but that probably would have been even more stupid (for me). but i don't regret my choice, and i'm glad i finally finished it. but i've been wondering "now what?" for a bit too long and it's getting rather frustrating. i like spontaneity in little things -- not big things.

       i wrote the ending to the first chapter of this historical fiction/fantasy that i've been working on. no, the chapter's not done -- just the ending. haha. i'm probably not too far from finishing the chapter, but i also started this thing -- jesus, i just looked it up -- almost a year ago. and i had had the idea for a while before that, turning it over in my mind. yeah, i did the bulk of what i have now during nanowrimo last year. i had started a little early and posted the prologue on tenebra_ruo at the end of october (ha, the 24th -- my favorite day). don't bother clicking on that link, i think only two of you will be able to see it. it's not much to see anyway -- things have changed since then. wow, that kinda threw me. that's really sad. sure, i have bits of the second and third chapters going, but just that after a year? that's pathetic. but -- i write best when that's all i'm doing. if i could take a year, not have to worry about anything else, and just write -- i'm sure i could finish it. they should do grants for nobody writers working on the next great american novel and give them loads of cash so they can live and work on their writing, all in the name of bettering society. or something. i wonder if i could do some fundraising, get some art investors who don't expect a return other than perhaps a signed copy of the finished product. anyone know anyone? hm?

       got kinda off base there. anyway, i wrote this ending. and i really liked it. seriously tugged my heartstrings and got me all excited because it's a little bit of a cliff-hanger. and now none of you will be able to read it because i'll be way too self-conscious and scared because i'm proud of it and i'll be crushed if you don't like it. especially you critics out there. and i've already decided to write under a pen name that none of you will recognize. so .

       first day back at the grocery store tomorrow. so pumped.

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

       i'm kinda amused by the fact that i'm a little nervous about orientation tomorrow. why i have orientation for a place i worked for over nine years i'm not sure, but it has been over three since i've been there and i'm sure things have changed. i'm going to have a lot of stuff to relearn in customer service, too, and you'd be surprised how much there is to it. i don't know, though -- i think it's the newness. some of the employees are the same, but a lot of them are different. because, you know, they're all high schoolers. oh, and the coming out. i haven't decided yet how to do that. turns out it's a lifelong process, one that i'm still relatively new to, so i haven't quite got it down yet. i think for now i'm going to try to keep it as organic as possible -- when it comes up. or maybe they'll get the idea when they catch me staring at a hot guy. yeah, it happens.

       having fun with the computer right now. last weekend the screen randomly decided to go berserk. without provocation it just started turning itself off. like, every two to five seconds. i figured out fairly quickly that hitting the little button that turns the screen off when the lid closes turns it back on, but i was sitting here keeping one finger on the button and one on the keyboard because i had to keep tapping it. quite annoying. after a lot of research i discovered that the backlight on my screen is going out. the backlight itself is a ten dollar part and i did an exploratory surgery to see if i could replace it myself. i kinda like taking things apart. that's always how i would win at the rubik's cube, by taking the thing apart and putting it back together the right way. i could solve it in thirty seconds flat. alas, the backlight is built into the screen assembly itself, so changing it isn't possible. a new screen runs at least a hundred bucks, so with all the other warning signs that my computer will soon explode (which my last one did) i've decided that it's just time for a new one. i'm currently very anti-credit card (or, more appropriately, they're very anti-me) so i'm gonna be saving my pennies and praying that my little dinosaur here will hold out for another month or so. heh. it's not as if i have anything better to spend my money on. but i found a temporary fix in dimming the screen to a very low setting, which solved the on/off problem, but now i can't look at the screen for too long or my eyes go all buggy. it's waay past its time, though, so i'm looking forward to the new one.

       mmm. bed time.