gotta love stupid titles. anyway. today was a snow day for me. the paycheck will suffer a little for it, but the break was welcome. definitely hate winter driving, though. yesterday i braved it in my mother's all-wheel drive suv, going all grandma-style on that snow's ass. no problems, but the two hours of driving thoroughly stressed me out. i went to the gym after work anyway, just because i'm trying to take a "no excuses" approach, and i was happy i did. titties and tris yesterday, and they's goood sore. my boss called me this morning, though, saying that they were so slow i could stay home if i didn't feel like driving, and the roads were worse today, so i was glad for it. working tomorrow night, though, and gym again after, but the grandma style seems to work for me. except at the gym. but yeah, i'm already antsy for spring.

       it was a pretty snow. or at least the stuff i was able to enjoy while lounging in my warm pajamas from the comfort of home.

       snagged a date for the christmas party this weekend. good ol' toby. haven't seen him in a while, so i'm excited for that. i'm sure there are still a few at work who remain in denial about my preferences, so the tall blond surfer dude should help with that. but someone said it's supposed to snow again this weekend. pfft. oh, weather.com says it won't. fingers crossed.

       finished off christmas on sunday with the regular extended family since we couldn't get everyone together at the usual time. seems like it gets more difficult every year to pull it together, and i admire those who won't give up on it, namely my mother. i admit i wasn't terribly disappointed that i had to leave early to go to work, though. all my cousins are popping out babies left and right and there were a half dozen bouncing/screaming/slobbering two-year-olds all over the place. and then there's the sense that we're all doing it just because it's what good families are supposed to do at such times of the year. we all live within ten miles of each other, give or take a few, and holidays are about the only times we see the bulk of them. yeah, we're a pretty close-knit group. the funny thing is -- i miss it. i hope my future husperson, if he exists, has a family i can adopt.

       and that's about all there is to report from my exciting life. hope you're all well. i'm gonna go read now.

       gah! remember that match.com sub i paid for last month? yeah, i forgot to turn off the auto-renew. so i just paid for another month. i hate auto-renew. well, except on important things ...like netflix. and guess how many times i've taken advantage of that not-so-little subscription? yeah. none. this is where all my money goes. grrr.

       office christmas party in a couple weeks and i'm trying to figure out 1) if i want to go, and 2) who to go with. i won't go without a date. no way. so i'm currently taking applications. preference given to attractive men. intelligence is a plus but not required. it's just an office party, after all.

       so far doing well with the whole working out thing. or at least i'm still going. and i've remembered how much i like that muscle soreness after. i'm closing tonight then going, so hopefully it won't be as packed at 11pm as it was at 5pm on monday. i was kinda amazed how busy it was. kinda ridiculous, but i was still able to do what i wanted. i'm already noticing a marked difference in the hardness of my muscles, and my blood pressure and resting heart rate have plummeted. that's about it, but i wasn't even expecting those to happen this soon, so it makes me optimistic that it won't take quite as long to get back to an acceptable fitness level. but no, i don't plan to stop there. i want my abs back.

       i'm kind of accidentally forcing myself to have a social life again. but that was kinda one of my resolutions, too, so we'll just say it was on purpose. got to talk to my friend dan for a while last night, which is always ...having trouble finishing that sentence. we talk every few weeks or so, and it's always the best part of those few weeks for me. that wasn't an accident, though. but i did randomly meet some guy online later last night and we also ended up talking on the phone for a couple hours. he seems cool, but he's a little over an hour away. it's all friendly, though. nothing too exciting. and, of course, i'm all excited that garett is back. after being silent on the social front for so long, though, it was strange to have so much all at once. and i think i'm getting ahead of myself.

       k, i need to get some things accomplished before work. love to all. laters.

       resolutions. eleven of them, according to the challenge. should be interesting, in a boring way.

1. body. i knew this was going to be one, so i got a jump on it last week to make it feel a little less like a new year's resolution. i joined the twenty-four hour fitness in independence, which i found out later is where my crush from work also goes. i haven't met him there yet, and i'm going to avoid meeting him there for a while, but... well, i'm looking forward to it. i went three times during the week, meeting my goal, and while i did have a couple "i don't wanna go!" moments, i think it will be easier to keep up with. i'm already getting used to it -- had a really good workout today, and certainly enjoying the workouts, so that's good. and i've already noticed a slight elevation in my mood. but beyond basic working out, there are also a few other things i've always wanted to try that require more physical resources than i've had. probably won't be at that level for a long while, even assuming i keep up the workouts, but either way i'll keep those hush hush for now.

2. write more. bet you're surprised by this one. the reason i most often don't write is because of a crappy mood, so i'm hoping the first resolution will aid in that. i really need to get a move on there, though. fer serious. but i received some inspiration for christmas in that little book of short stories. good stuffs.
3. chillax about getting older. i noticed lines on my face for the first time tonight and promptly freaked out. just smile lines around my eyes, and they're pretty small, but i still ran to amazon.com and ordered some anti-aging moisturizer from my currently preferred brand. i'm a little bummed because i just bought two more bottles of my regular stuff, but they'll be good to have on hand anyway. oh, and the rogaine continues to work its lovely magic. not perfection by any means, but definitely better. twenty-seven is too young to freak out, though, and i've always thought guys in their late twenties were more attractive anyway. once again crossing my fingers in hopes that i'll get there. but i think i'm just freaking out because i wanted to have things accomplished by this time ...and i'm still living with my parents. which brings me to number four.
4. move out before my twenty-eighth birthday. i'm pretty confident that this will happen well before that point, but i'm still going to list it. the new computer and christmas (and christmas for me!) drained my already paltry savings, but i'm already on the way to recovery. i need to be entirely self-supporting, though. perhaps if i keep my second resolution i'll be a bit closer to that point.
5. i really need to be better with money, too. i've always been bad with it and probably always will be on some level, but there's still a lot of room to grow within those parameters. i opened a savings account in august, which was a crucial step (kinda sad, i know), and i think the moving out thing will necessitate an improvement, but i simply need to stop buying things i don't need. what would be good, though, is a boyfriend who's good with the stuff. that would be nice.
6. yeah, it's kinda pathetic that i'm making this a resolution, but i would enjoy having a boyfriend. late twenties and lacking a solid relationship history is fitting for a guy living with his parents, granted, but do i really need to say more on the subject? a cuddle buddy at least would be appreciated.
7. get out more. kinda goes along with the last, or at least it could possibly facilitate the success of that goal, though not necessarily with the abundance of technological ways a gay can meet others of the same persuasion (all you breeders are way behind us there). but this one does kinda put a strain on that fifth resolution, so some care must be exercised. 
8. read more. funny coming from me, but since moving back here i really haven't been reading as much as i'd like. the stack of books on my nightstand continues to pile up, and i'm excited about all of them. just haven't.
9. go to bed earlier. way too many benefits to pass up, but i've been barely getting what i need, hence, in part, the caffeine reliance. but i don't really do all that much when i stay up late. usually just surfing or watching netflix. i'm sure it will help with number eight, too. i always love reading in bed.
10. travel. probably one of the ones i won't keep as much as i'd hope. kind of a traveler at heart, though, thanks to traveling around the country with the 'rents while growing up. but i do have a trip to iowa planned in february and i'd like to visit friends in new york and boston sooner rather than later.
11. expand my horizons. there are many things i want to do that are a bit beyond my usual daily routine, but that's kinda the point.
12. ooh. bonus resolutions. i'd like to piano more. i haven't since moving back, but an interest in the doctor who soundtrack is rekindling the desire.
13. lucky thirteen. invent a time machine so i'll be able to fit all these ridiculous things in my schedule.

       done now. happy new year.

      yup, i've become one of those. you know the sort -- the ones that clog up the gym for the first couple months of a new year, swearing confidently to get back into shape only to burn out and give up, squeezing their chubby asses out the gym door to return again next year. i used to hate those people, back when i was what you’d call a gym rat. i’d spend six days a week, two or three hours a day in that place, and i belonged there. those cookie-dough-assed wannabes had no right choking up my beloved treadmills, machines, and swimming pool. that was, what? four or five years ago? haha. now i’m that cookie-dough-assed wannabe. ok, no, i’m not that bad. while the gym visits didn’t stick much longer than a month last january, i did resume in march with my 30-50 miles a week on the trail, which lasted until my abrupt move to kansas city just over six months ago.. that’s when it got bad. i was determined to keep up with it. i went out on the trail here a few times, but i’d been spoiled by columbia’s excellent park system (water fountains and shade!). i swam several times in my parent’s pool, but i’d only go after dark and i’d often skip because i was tired or busy. and i lifted -- occasionally. very occasionally. i didn’t realize how occasionally it was until tonight.

      this afternoon, after six long months of self-pity and procrastination, i joined a gym. i even did it before the new year just to make myself feel a little better. but holy crap, i felt out of place. the only gym i’ve ever really known was the mizzou rec center. beautiful gym, full of lanky college kids, a few die-hards, and a few old creepy people. while i was a regular i felt completely at ease -- very little self-consciousness or insecurity, and pretty damn strong -- i could max out most of the machines with several reps and hold my own in the free-weight room. i’ve lost a lot of muscle since then, but i’m still not a small guy. short, yes, but not small. the guys in the gym this afternoon made me feel tiny. these were the guys that kept working out after college, and oh daddy... haha. wow. i felt like i had no excuse whatsoever only putting up 170lbs on the bench... on a machine. it was pathetic. but it’s a start. and i’m taking davey wavey’s advice about working up to it -- two or three times a week for the first few weeks to avoid burning out completely after two months. and i’m determined. and excited. and am now accepting bets on how long i’ll keep the membership.

      the only thing i didn’t like? no doors or curtains on the tiny shower stalls. maybe back in the day i’d have been up to the challenge. but after seeing so many guys with bodies that would make greek gods jealous, i decided to run out to my car in my nasty gym clothes. but i’ll get there. oh yes, i’ll get there. and yes, i took wet wipes to my car seats when i got home. =)

       what a week. haha. i was about to give up on humanity on wednesday night. full moon and senior citizen discount day (generally acknowledged by all in the store to be the absolute worst day of the week -- old people really suck) and the fact that it was three days before christmas was a dangerous mixture. all three of us in customer service were cussed out at least once, and certainly by no fault of ours. for the most part we do our jobs really well. sure, there are occasional mistakes, usually easily fixed, but this wasn't the case here. the people were just uber bitchy. and i mean i wouldn't have been surprised if some of them snarled and showed fangs with blood dripping from them. it took a few episodes of true blood and some irish hot chocolate with a little extra irish to calm me down that night. last night was better, though. hella busy and i had to stay an extra half hour because people wouldn't let me close, but certainly not as evil. actually, it was much different. there was one guy that came in, handed me $300, and told me to ring up six gift cards with $50 each and give them to people who looked like they could use a little extra christmas cheer. certainly replenished some of my own.

       it's kinda lovely out, but i only say that while i'm warm indoors and not driving. i hate winter driving. my good friend a.j. surprised me at work last night. he lives in iowa but is home for christmas. it's a little funny to me that all my jewish friends celebrate christmas. anyway, we were going to get lunch today but because of the weather decided to postpone until breakfast monday, so that was the only drawback of the snow for me. we didn't get a lot, but it still has that peaceful effect. and the kittehs are being all snuggly. and i'm wrapping presents now, so that's always fun. makes it more imminent somehow.

       doing better, i think. slowly grappling my way back to some semblance of sanity. i've eaten too many christmas cookies, though, and i need to do some major cardio. maybe i'll get some in during the doctor who marathon tomorrow.

       i hope you're all well, that you're feeling warm and happy and loved, and that all the usual worries and frustrations will give way to the real magic of the season. merry christmas!

       i've remembered how to listen to music. i haven't for a long time since i've been listening to audiobooks on my commutes, otherwise the only time i really get to 'rock out'. but i've got some mumford and sons going on iTunes as i type, and it's acting as a sort of salve, drawing out some of the poison.

       i've been stutter blogging a lot over the last couple weeks, but everything ends up deleted. still feeling pretty lost, but holding on, i suppose. still here.

       received a package in the mail yesterday from new york, which rocketed my spirits. christmas presents from my friend dan, here sometimes commenting as "mr. mysterious" or some similar monicker, which included a collection of short stories by amy hempel, some great little orange flavored shortbreads from harlem, and a rainbow-colored feather boa (my personal favorite). all more appreciated than i've been able to express.

       remember that match.com subscription i mentioned? still haven't done anything with it. ha. there's one that i keep wanting to message, but i don't. it's kind of a weird situation. i want to send him a message, but i also know i'm not in the right place. so i do nothing.

       saw tron: legacy last night. it's been getting mixed reviews, but i really enjoyed it. the score was inspired -- i always like twists of old and new like that. made me want to dabble in such things again. the story was somewhat similar to the first, so it had a tinge of remake, but i didn't mind that, and the deeper levels of meaning were underdeveloped but present and appreciated. kind of had a questioning of hope and dreams thing going on. it's probably a question being asked a lot right now, as the "american dream" has deflated somewhat.

       christmas in three days. kinda crazy how 2010 flew. two years from yesterday is the end of the world. haha. k, time for work. laters.

       melting into the plush leather seat at starbucks again. best seat in the house, with a view of the whole place. there's a really cute guy in here, but he's with a girl. i'm thinking fag hag. but even if he were of the persuasion i'm sure i wouldn't have a shot. just wishful thinking. oh, weird. this other girl at the next table spoke to her friend on the phone and i realized it wasn't a girl at all. startled me. the music is kinda hip-hop jazzy. not many people here, probably because of the cold. and now that i have a chance to sit and think a bit i'm realizing that i really don't want to sit and think at all. the escapist in me has been in full swing lately. lots of netflix. and i'm re-reading the count of monte cristo. well, not really. it's an audiobook. i mostly listen to it during the ~1.5 hour commute to work each day. i'm kind of in a slow part in the middle so my mind wanders sometimes. really looking forward to the next, "jonathan strange and mr. norrell." i need some hand lotion. super dry. ooh, bob dylan just came on. "blowin' in the wind." i like jay brannan's version better. is that sacrilegious? eh, i don't care, i love jay.

       i came in here to write, but once again i'm not really feeling it. it's the sitting and thinking that catches up with me. i don't really want to go home, though. but now the songs are trending towards the cozy cuddle in front of the fire christmas music. ugh. but i'm going out with toby on friday. that might help. no, i don't think there's anything there, and i don't know if i want there to be. but he cuddles with me. i'm going to make that a mandatory portion of our evening. almost had some juicy love triangle drama to share, but it didn't really turn into anything because i'm lame like that.

       i don't like this, the way things are. i don't like where i am. kinda getting to a point where i want to go to a doctor to get some happy pills. i wonder how much my insurance would cover. ooh, some u-haul therapy would be nice. i'd go to miami to be with david bromstad. i wonder if he likes short guys.

       yeah, i think i'm gonna give up for the day, go home and cuddle with hermes. later taters.

       wow, i'm tired. not a bad kind of tired -- just the "i really should have gone to bed earlier" kind. but i went to see "unstoppable" with my dad last night, which is possibly the first time i've been to a movie alone with my father, now that i think of it. i wasn't terribly excited about the movie, but it turned out to be quite good. well told and fairly suspenseful. i wouldn't buy it, though. after you know what happens it's like... ok, i'm good now. then when i got home i realized i had a true blood disc waiting for me and i wanted to mail it off today so of course i had to watch that too. it wasn't that late by the time i went to bed, but i had to get up for work this morning. and as a result you get a whole paragraph on why i'm tired.

       sitting in starbucks now, sipping my grande half caff nonfat no whip white mocha, hoping it will wake me up enough to get some writing done, but i'm beginning to doubt. just not feeling sharp enough. maybe i'll have a nap later then try again tonight. yeah, this book will never be finished. wow, eddie izzard just walked in. seriously, he looks just like him. and finn's here, of course. i don't know if i've mentioned him here before, perhaps in a pulse, but there's a barista that looks just like finn from glee. makes for an enjoyable coffee experience when i'm surrounded by my celebrities and rambling in another pointless xanga post. almost even makes me feel like a real writer.

       i wonder if there's anything interesting i can say. can't really think of anything. nothing new happening. i'm getting quite bored, actually. i haven't been out properly since my date with mark a week before halloween. oh, no, ryan was up from columbia last weekend and we walked around the mall a bit then went to krispy kreme. first time i'd been there since i've been back. really good, of course, but now i can't go for another five years. so not good for me. ...not like starbucks. it was really good to see him, though. kinda felt like i had friends again. it's fun to watch him squirm at my sordid tales.

       still trying to keep up hope. increasingly difficult, that. it's a slow leak, though -- just a trickle. the computer helped, strangely. it's a lot of fun. but the season is a bittersweet thing. i've always loved christmas and haven't had a proper one in a while. last year i was an emotional mess with coming out to my family (a year already!). the year before was an emotional mess with starting to come out period. now that my mind is free to wander a bit it isn't my sexuality but my singularity to which my thoughts return. what, like there's something to think about other than myself? it really sucks being a fifth wheel in my family, though. and i miss cuddling. i'm just ready to be there. if "settled down" isn't the right phrase it's awfully close. my dreams are simple enough. just damn near impossible.

       randomness ensues.

       i bought another month at match.com. haha. someone sent me an email about a month ago and it's been hounding me since to subscribe to be able to read it. i've done a month here and there, maybe two or three in the last year and a half. received a text this morning that i had another email, though, so i broke down. turns out both were from the same guy, if you can call him that. i'm skeptical of his humanity. no picture, bad english, and almost the exact text in both. now i feel obligated to say that people who speak imperfect english and opt to remain anonymous are not necessarily inhuman. or so i'm told. but i was disheartened. and remain frustrated that the people i'm attracted to are usually not the ones attracted to me, and the ones that are attracted to me are not the ones i'm attracted to. *sigh* so just to contradict everything i've been talking about here, i'm not sure if i'd be ready for a relationship anyway. so there.

       i was closing the other night. thursday. it was a slow night and i was leaning against the rear counter of customer service, watching the front end (more entertaining than you'd expect) and letting my mind wander, when santa claus caught my eye, walked over, and told me to smile. it was weird. he was wearing denim overalls and a white t-shirt, but he was the best damn santa i've ever seen. he told me that it was the christmas season, that it was magical, and that there was no reason not to smile. and it was rather magical. i wasn't frowning on purpose. just thinking. but he made me laugh.

       there's this guy that i've seen here in starbucks several times. at first we'd catch each other looking at the other. finally he approached a few weeks ago and we exchanged pleasantries. no, not like that. we both recognized each other from the church days. bumped into him again tonight and we ended up talking for about an hour about nothing in particular, him neglecting his studying, me my rambly xanga post. i'm not really tired anymore, so now i can write, but i was made acutely aware how much more socially awkward i've become this summer. i tend to withdraw, my world becomes internal, three-quarters fantasy and one-quarter automated. i forget how to speak, and my tongue trips on itself more often. i like my fantasy world, though. it's kinda like "the girl who loved tom gordon." i have my own tom gordon. no, it's not actually tom gordon. i won't tell you who my tom gordon is. but he keeps me alive.

       k, now to write.

       i'm developing a major crush on this guy at work. it's starting to be a distraction. jury's still out on his sexuality, but if my crush history is any indication then there's about an 80% chance that he either likes the ladies or hails from the planet raxacoricofallapatorius. mad props if you have any idea what i'm referring to there. i'm kind of in an anti-boys streak at the moment, though. not an anger thing, just a "do i really want to get into this again?" thing. i really don't. the ones that want me are always old and desperate (or married), the ones i date turn out to be exceptionally ordinary, and the ones i want are always hopelessly unattainable. probably something a shrink would find interesting.

       these stolen moments on my parents' computer are getting old. really ready for my own to get here, but that's still a good week and a half off. haven't written anything in too long, but, frightened of that as i was at first, i'm kind of enjoying the break. i was pushing myself too hard to produce something and i think the quality was suffering. so it's been nice to give my head a break, soak up some joss whedon and bbc, forget things a while. ironically, i did make a couple leaps, figured a couple things out. but, of course, more questions came up.

       i don't know, maybe it's the holidays. or maybe it's just more of the usual. kind of in a funk, but not a bad one. customers at work are getting more impatient and more bitchy, which has the rest of us overcompensating like mad. it's kind of a laugh to keep from crying thing. words that we thought were internal are more often slipping out. breaks are stretched and bathroom trips increase. tension has been slowly building at home. i miss certain people. a lot. starting to be more reclusive. and according to the scale at plasma this afternoon i've gained a couple pounds, and not the good kind. feeling tired, lazy. hm. just realized it might be that s.a.d. thing. that hasn't really affected me so much in the past, though. do any of you get that?

       what do you think of the whole tsa screening/patdown thing? i'm kind of enjoying the attempts to undermine it. i have a mildly anarchist streak in me. k, i need some mindless entertainment to slip into before bed.

 

       with all the previous potter films i left the theater feeling slightly disappointed that they left such and such out or something wasn't quite right. none of them quite gave me the same feeling that i got while reading the book. i ended up loving them all with subsequent viewings, but i'm just talking about first impressions here. this one was different. it went further than i expected and successfully conveyed (i thought) the brilliant tone of the book. and being my favorite book of the series, i had some pretty high expectations. this movie was awesome. they left very little out and executed it beautifully. it was intense and unrelenting, yet still retained the humor. i loved the animation of the story of the deathly hallows. freaking loved it. unexpected and beautiful. the things i missed were minor: the mention that grindelwald was dumbledore's unrequited love (sigh), but they still have room for that in the second. and, it might surprise you to hear it from me, but i missed the undertones of spirituality. yeah, i'm not big on religion right now, but what she had was quite meaningful and beautiful (i couldn't quite make it out, but i think one of the scripture verses was still present on the potters's gravestone). both elements, i think, are very important to the story, particularly the latter, and the films may lose some meaning if they don't bring them back somehow.

       definitely made me all emotional, though, which was part of the measure of the movie's success for me. the book was pretty tough to read, emotionally, and the film effectively brought most of that back. reminded me why it's one of my favorite stories.

       young grindelwald was gorgeous, btw. and did anyone else notice that daniel radcliffe was half naked for half the film? and i love bill nighy, brief as his appearance was. and what's up with emma watson? she was kinda amazing.

       oh, and i bought my computer. just now. ordered it. it'll be a couple weeks still, but i'm really excited. i'm a big nerd like that. but i very much miss having one. even splurged a little more than i was planning to. this paycheck was slightly bigger than i was expecting. it's kinda tricked out. usually people go for either performance or portability or razzle dazzle. i did all three. it's not tiny -- i don't like those tiny ones, impressive as they are. but it is by far the smallest computer i'll have owned. and it has three times the recommended memory and more hard drive than i'll ever use. also got a wireless printer and a bluetooth mouse, which means freed up usb ports. and with the employee pricing that i got from borders rewards i saved about $500 from someone who'd buy the same stuff from best buy, e.g. yes, i checked. now all i need is lots of f*cking sequins.

       now i have to buy christmas presents. oy. then i can start saving for an apartment.

       k, time for work. i requested the day off but she was in a hurry and gave me tomorrow instead. no worries. it's a short shift and i still got my sleep. really tempted to go see it again tonight. i have with all the others. might wait until monday, though, when it's half price. i just obliterated my pitiful savings, after all. k. laters.