i was always amazed, as a child, with the great annual migrations of birds. they’d fly south for the winter then north again when their homes began to thaw. i was amazed because it was such a long journey -- surely their little wings would give out somewhere around arkansas and they’d tumble out of the sky. and when i’d find a little bird on the ground, a little mushed and half eaten, i’d stop for a moment in wonder and lament that the little thing just didn’t have the strength.

and when i became an adult i knew how he felt.

it didn’t occur to me that they would rest. with my childish understanding i thought they’d just fly relentlessly from point a to b. then one day i saw a large group gabbing away in a clump of trees by my house. occasionally a smaller group would break off and fly to the next clump, just a little bit farther north, until the entire flock was resting on that clump, and it struck me that they were patient little creatures. they knew they could get there, a little at a time.

       i'm kind of in a bitchy mood. i blame work, mostly, but i'm also tired and trying to fight off some bug and stressed/worried about all the impending changes and the uncertainty that still hovers around those changes. haven't heard anything yet about the job, but i didn't really expect to yet. it'd certainly be nice, though. my future roommate currently has a tenant that will require a 30-day notice, but 30 days from my move-in date (if i get the job) will be next tuesday. so hopefully i'll hear by then. if not -- well, i don't want to think about that yet. i don't know what i'd do, though. i'd have to get a hotel or some storage space, which means moving twice, which would require renting a truck.... no, i just don't want to think about that yet. i'm the sort that likes things to be settled. i like to plan in advance and know what i'm doing and have things lined up for an easy transition so i can go and unpack and start to settle immediately into my new life and avoid as much stress as possible. i don't like stress.

       trevor gave me the key already, though. he put it on random spare ring that had an "I <3 NY" pendant attached. the little silver teddy bear charm that's on my current key chain used to have "I <3 Chicago" stamped across his chest. now all i need is something with "I <3 Boston" or "I <3 Edinburgh" to make the irony complete. but for the millionth time someone told me tonight, "raleigh!? i lived there once! i loved it! i'm sure you will, too."

       it's not so much about loving the city, though. my nervousness is mostly about loving who i am when i'm there. and who i will love when i'm there. i almost feel like i'm giving up on some things. but some things probably need to be given up on. i'd rather not spend the rest of my life pining after things that will never be. damn hope. it's kind of annoying sometimes.

       but the absolute biggest thing i'm worried about is moving in with an uber-religious republican. wasn't expecting that one.

       currently trolling GWiP and wondering if this is as good as it gets.

       i've got that feeling you get when you want nothing more than to lie down and go straight to sleep but then you realize you still have half the day left. it's been good, though. flew in yesterday. that was exhausting enough. had four different gate assignments in chicago, and i found out about each change just as i was getting to the next gate. definitely got my exercise for the day running around that terminal. also got a mild case of food poisoning from a grilled chicken wrap at the chili's to go in o'hare, but that was nothing more than some discomfort on the plane ride. but after getting in to raleigh and claiming my bags and getting the rental car and driving to trevor's place and chatting with trevor for a bit i went out to the cheesecake factory (had a salad and some egg rolls -- no cheesecake, sadly) with a guy i met on connexion.org. haha. thomas. you might be hearing more about him in the future. good times.

       today has been just as crazy, and i don't know what i would have done without the gps on my iphone. barely made it to the interview in chapel hill on time. well, i can't really say that it was on time. trevor told me that it takes 30 minutes flat to get there, so i allowed myself 45 minutes because i wanted to be early. it took 44 minutes. between construction and rush-hour traffic i ended up walking into the building at 8:59am, but by the time i found the office it was about 9:01. grrrrrr. but it went well, i think. two and a half hours. bit crazy. bit exhausting. damn difficult questions, and i floundered on a couple (didn't help that i was already dog-tired), but i think i recovered well enough. we chatted a lot. and after the interview she walked me out and showed me a few things, told me some of the office politics. good sign, right? fingers crossed. i'm supposed to hear back within a week or two.

       after that i drove out to durham to trevor's office to tell him how it went. he gave me directions over the phone, didn't give me an address. ended up driving 20 minutes in the wrong direction. lol. but it was good to see the countryside a bit. had lunch at a panera at a mall on the way back to raleigh, then decided to check out a gym. i'd been doing research online of the different gyms in the area and this seemed to be the best one. it was freaking amazing. put mizzou rec to shame, and if you've ever been to mizzou rec it's one of the top college gyms in the nation. or at least it was when it re-opened a few years ago. that was a big thing for them. this place -- lol. it's just beautiful. had a guy take me on a tour and i was all giddy by the end. yeah, i signed up. no contract and he said that there was a promotion just ending where if you're referred they waive the $274 sign up fee. so he grabbed some random passing member and had her refer me. it's kinda expensive, a little more than what the rec center was, but on my new salary i'll be able to afford it. and if i cancel within two weeks i won't be charged anything. i figure i'll hear back from my job within two weeks, so might as well, and a month of dues that i won't use is a heck of a lot cheaper than the $274 fee. and yes, i realize he could have been playing me. he was a damn good salesman and, let's face it, i'm a bit naive. but it's an f-ing gorgeous gym. i'm getting excited.

       going out tonight. more to come later. more flights tomorrow. i don't think i like flying.

       haven't been in a writing mindset lately. too busy freaking out and being nervous and wondering what the hell i'm doing. two weeks ago i officially applied for a job in north carolina, a full-time clerical/office position in an ophthalmology clinic that's a part of the university of north carolina in chapel hill, about 20 minutes from raleigh. it's a different branch of the same office that my future roommate works for, so he put in a good word. it'd be about twice my current wages. this last thursday i had a phone interview (a first for me), which seemed to go really well, or at least i was invited to fly out next weekend for an interview in person. trevor says she wouldn't have done that if she wasn't serious about it. i hope he's right because i'm paying for it. but i fly out sunday and return tuesday, sort of a whirlwind trip, which will also be my first to the area. also my first plane ride since january 2001, and definitely my first alone. i have an hour and a half layover in chicago (previously reported incorrectly to some as an hour), which i was nervous about when i thought it was less time, but suddenly i'm excited about those extra 30 minutes. i was rather inspired on my last layover, ten years ago. that one was a bit longer, though. maybe something will come out of this one. who knows? but the position, should it be offered to me, starts a month earlier than originally anticipated. i'd be moving out there at the end of april instead of the end of may. suddenly i feel a little more crunched for time. maybe that's part of what has been making me nervous, feeling like i'm being torn away before i'm ready. it's all been happening so quickly. even though i've been wanting to get out of here for forever. i know it doesn't make sense. but i just have this pervasive feeling that i have no idea what i'm doing. and it's kinda true.

       i really hope it works.

       i love words with multiple meanings. they're so extremely interesting.

       would it be bad to get into a relationship just for the sake of having one? oh, it's way too soon to talk about such things. but i'm still curious.

       really weird mood today. no sleep last night might have something to do with it. i should get some now.

       this weekend has been most welcome. today was only the second i had off since the 9th of february, so i've been simultaneously trying to get a lot done and trying to be as lazy as possible. with some success. i've been going through a lot of old storage items and repacking them for more permanent storage in the lofts and closets of my old rooms. i found several paper boxes full of old cds, so it's been kinda fun going through those, copying some to my hard drive, rolling my eyes at others (and then copying some of them anyway). even found a large box marked "C. S. P." in my late grandfather's hand (he died when i was about nine, i think). turned out to be a massive stamp collection from places around the world, some of which don't exist anymore. i looked through a few and realized that i probably shouldn't be (some of them obviously required more care than i could take), so i put them carefully back in the box, but not before discovering several mementos from my early life, like the program from my baptism with little notes that grampa wrote (he wasn't terribly religious, but he saved it anyway). won't lie, kinda got a little choked up.

       also spent the day updating my resume and attempting to write my first cover letter ever. also had the wonderful opportunity to talk to the lovely maureen today (who hasn't updated in ages), who made a suggestion. i might format it a little differently, but otherwise i found it quite appropriate:

Dear Sir or Madam:
TAKE ME PLEASE! I'M DESPERATE!
Sincerely,
Chris P.

       i may not be desperate yet. or at least i don't feel desperate yet. but the idea of having this job has made the rest of it seem a little easier.

       god, i love dario marianelli. sorry, completely random. he's on my itunes now.

       i'm tired. think i might read some and cuddle with hermes some and sleep some. another day off tomorrow. looking forward to that. except i think i need some catharsis in the next day or so. don't know what. laters.

       apparently my work crush is now in a relationship with one of the bakery girls. or so sayeth the great facebook. i happen to be of the opinion that he was so surprised and scared by his supposedly unnatural feelings for me that he ran in a drunken stupor to the arms of the first girl that would be delusional enough to date a 'mo. which is kind of what happened, minus my little flourishes. but i'm not upset by it or anything. funny thing, though, it does kinda further the north carolina cause. i notice that i keep looking for things that would keep me here, but they all slowly disappear and i end up grasping at straws. i don't know why. the comfort of home and family, perhaps, or at least of familiar things. when you're a crazy person like me, the familiar things keep you grounded. routine, etc. and i've certainly been crazy lately. but new places can become familiar, too, i guess. i think i'm just getting impatient. i want to be on the other side of the river and not have to worry about jumping to the next stepping stone. except there's a million of them and i don't know whether i'm going backwards or forwards or sideways. but with the exception of the people here in kc, most have been encouraging. actually, while i was in columbia i mentioned the possibility to my former co-worker, chris, who said that she had lived in the area and loved it. she said it was a lot like columbia except bigger, which made me groan at first, but when i think of it, i really liked columbia except that it was so stinking small. raleigh itself is closer to the size of kc minus the metro, so...

       i'm starting to think i might do it.

       not long term, probably. take it a little at a time. and the idea of paring down my belongings to what i can fit in my little escort is kind of attractive. in a scary way. or maybe my parents will help me move with their truck. but that's a long drive and i don't know if i want to ask them to do that. i could get one of those little mini-uhauls. i don't know if my car could pull that, though. haha. but this is all hypothetical, of course. nothing solid. yet.

       sometimes i'm excited by the idea and sometimes i really don't want to do it. but i think i'm slowly getting used to it. the adventure and newness of it is winning me over.

       i'm still tired from doing the chocolate covered strawberries. roughly two tons in four days. but it was good. listened to "jonathan strange and mr. norrell" by susanna clarke, which i very much enjoyed. and i enjoyed spending time with old friends and making a couple new ones. and i'm sure i'll appreciate the check, when it comes. the loss of gym time was apparent when i went back on monday, but it wasn't that terrible. in fact i think it may have helped to have a short break to shock my body out of forming a routine. i noticed today that i'm getting my abs back. i was excited.

       k, that's all for today. things to do. hope you're all well.

       <edit> 2.17.11 -- raleigh is officially a probability and quite a big one, it seems. talked to trevor (new future roomie) last night and worked some more things out, and i talked to my parents tonight about moving either in june or august, depending on whether i can get a certain job (june if i get it, august if i don't). more details to come. so far my ex future roomie is not taking it well. </edit>

       it's been kind of a roller coaster. came a bit unglued for a while in there. might still be, a little. crazy as it is, i highly recommend it on occasion. makes you appreciate sanity a little more. the double dose of glee this week helped a lot, especially since they geared tonight's a little more to the hopeful yet still lonely hearts. i like my feel-good show. definitely a contrast to what i saw immediately previous, though. after work i went out and saw black swan. going to a movie by myself is kind of a ritual when in the aforementioned state of falling apart. and natalie portman greatly appeals to that ~5% of me that isn't entirely gay. i didn't want to say straight just then because, when it comes down to it, ... ew. but it was kinda amazing. made me a little queasy in parts. i actually covered my mouth with my hands a few times. felt a bit girly, but fortunately i had the row to myself. i was completely drawn in -- took me a while to come back down. i don't like writing about such things, though -- i'm sure i'd make a terrible critic. i just like to get lost in it, which made this kinda perfect. thinking about seeing something else again tomorrow, if i have time. not sure yet. the king's speech or 127 hours. i need to let my mind mellow. the mixture of crazy and dread from the coming week has me on the edge of hyperventilation.

       my mind is seriously kicking and screaming about the strawberries. it's like i can feel time dragging me inevitably closer and closer to the open gates of hell. once i get there i'm sure i'll be fine. might even have fun as long as i get plenty of sleep, but i've been bad about that lately and i'm sure being around old friends won't help. everyone's wanting to do something and i'm torn between wanting to see people and being able to get through the week. it's such a slog. but i have "jonathan strange and mr. norrell" by susanna clark and "the thirteenth tale" by diane setterfield ready to go on my ipod, and my starbucks card is freshly reloaded. so i should be ok.

       i just realized that was the first movie i saw this year (in a theater, i mean). that's kinda sad. i love movies.

       let's see... what else... the gym thing has faltered briefly. only one trip last week because of snowpocalypse and the crazy, but i lifted some at home and shoveled snow for about 90 minutes. i'm planning to go tomorrow before leaving for columbia, but that will be my only visit for this week, too. better jump right back on next monday or i'm gonna slide like crazy. already feeling fat. oh, and the north carolina thing has moved past the "just a thought" stage into the "possibility" stage, even bordering on "probability." we still need to talk about that a little more. but other people i mention it to seem to be encouraging. and, i notice, raleigh is not currently buried in snow. definite bonus points there.

       i could really go for a cuddle right now. the last several nights i've been dreaming about being held by someone, only to wake to find hermes cuddling up. which is really cute and all... i love my kitty. but it's so not the same.

       remember how i was hoping that i wouldn't run into my work crush at the gym for a while? well, tonight i did. we passed each other a couple times and neither said anything. we kinda ignored each other, actually. well, i watched him a bit while i was on the elliptical and he was doing some incline bench work on the other side of the room. don't tell. but we didn't even acknowledge each other. it was weird. when he was walking in he walked right behind me and he had a strange look on his face. he had to have seen me. but neither let the other know we had seen each other. and that was that.

       within the last week we've started to seriously look for apartments and such in the area. things are already getting a bit interesting as the future roomie is pushing for super cheap but is kinda being brought down to reality with kc's prices. i'm not against economy but i do value my life and some degree of comfort. he's also only been looking at listings on craigslist and sending them over as suggestions. two of his suggestions made me scared just thinking about the area (smack dab in the middle of the places you only hear about in the news with relation to shootings, armed robberies, etc). and most of the others have been pretty dumpy. but he's also used to columbia prices. one apartment i had there was $175/month (half a duplex with three other guys in a 4br 3 bath setup), which was amazing. but you won't get that here. not possible. i've been finding decent places, definitely lower end but still habitable and in safer areas, for a little over $300/month each, and he keeps saying he wants cheaper. which is starting to make me think that this might not work. and apparently he had forgotten about hermes and he's allergic to cats. so. might not be the future roomie after all.

       but. another option has presented itself again. it's always been an option, really, but i hadn't thought about it in a while. i have a good friend living in raleigh, nc who has been trying to get me to move in with him for a couple years. he contacted me again last night to catch up and kinda jokingly asked when i was going to move down there. it's always been a tempting idea, but suddenly it's downright attractive. of course it'd be another complete upheaval of my life. and more of a sideways move than up. but it'd be an adventure, and that's part of the attractive bit. it's new and different. not the midwest. close to mountains and beaches. he'd be able to get me a job at starbucks and i'd still be able to write. of course it's just a thought right now. but i kinda like it. am i crazy?

       hello all. kinda felt like rambling a bit tonight, so what better place than here? you probably won't miss much if you skip this one.

       week three of the foolishness that is my gym adventure is complete. haven't missed a single day, even though it's not really that difficult to go to the gym three times a week, but i suppose it's the longest i've stayed with a gym-based exercise routine in the last four years, so i guess it's at least something of an accomplishment. week four is off to a simultaneously good and rocky start. after doing some research (including some davey wavey tips) to update myself on modern fitness practices i've changed my methods slightly and my ass was properly kicked today. i'll try it for the next few weeks and see how it goes. i've also started keeping track of my routines with a handy dandy iPhone app, iFitness. highly recommended for the serious gym-goer. had a slightly crazy episode after my workout, though, in the locker room. it was about 6pm and getting pretty packed in there, and poor design means close quarters and even a slight wait time to get to your locker. but as i was packing my things and getting ready to leave i found myself suddenly surrounded by a half dozen perfectly sculpted sets of abs and i became both a little breathless and suddenly very aware that i was the fat boy of the group. i kinda wanted to cry. right now i'm saying "you'll get there, you'll get there, you'll get there" over and over in my head, trying to make myself believe it. but i've lost five pounds in those three weeks, so i'm getting somewhere at least. yes, i'm trying not to let myself get discouraged.

       i'm trying not to be all high-school-girly about the new guy. as in, trying not to freak out because he hasn't texted me yet today and i don't want to be the one to do all the initiating but he did call me first when we first talked. i think i'm gonna do it. i'll let him call/text first next time.

       ok, i have to pee so i'm going to end it there. not as rambly as i thought it was going to be. smiling helps.

       two things.

       one. i received a text at four this morning informing me that my date for the hy-vee christmas party tonight had to cancel because he was in the process of being arrested. he promised details later, so you know about as much as i do, but i know him pretty well and my curiosity is of the more amused variety rather than the worried or nervous sort. my guess is that he decked someone that deserved it. as far as the party goes, though, i really don't want to go alone, especially after telling people that i was bringing a tall blond and handsome date. i'll tell them that we were otherwise engaged and never made it, let them fill in the gaps.

       two. kind of an odd one in juxtaposition to the first, and it's one of those way too soon to really even post about it things, but despite my assertions of wanting to wait before jumping back into the dating scene, it seems i'm kinda finding myself suddenly in the middle of it again. i just got off the phone with the next guy who will break my heart. he's thirty and a phd student studying latin american literature, currently working on his dissertation. he's pseudo-recently divorced (eep!) with two young boys (eep! eep!) but seems settled and comfortable enough now and i always like the slightly damaged guys anyway. and he works out. a lot. so we'll see where that goes, if anywhere, but i have a feeling i'm gonna like him.

       k, off to get some things done. i hope.