i think i'm having a mini existential crisis. it's nothing so grand that would necessitate a quote from hamlet, but i'm still wondering what the hell i'm doing here.

       there's a scottish guy on grindr that i tried talking to once in hopes of marriage and instant permanent work visa acceptance. he responded once, but didn't respond to my followup because i really can bore people that fast, apparently. he's quite attractive, too, and i haven't even heard him speak yet, which is probably for the best because then i'd be a basket case and it'd take me years to get over him. which isn't much of an exaggeration. i'm still trying to get over the last one, and things are only working in the wrong direction as far as that goes.

       i was looking through some of kweeny's older challenges, since she just posted another (and about frickin' time), and i remembered the new year's challenge to come up with some resolutions and i thought i'd give you a mid-year progress(?) report. told you i was boring. my original post here.

1. body. working on it. i seem to be hovering in the lower 160s, but since my goal weight, according to my erstwhile trainer, is about 170 i'm not that worried. i've been going about three times a week and i'd like to add another day soon. time doesn't seem to be slipping away as quickly as it did at first, so i think i can manage it. i've also been venturing more into the world of free-weights, which i hate, but it's what you're supposed to do. progress is slow, but there has been enough to keep me from being entirely frustrated.
2. write more. completely failing on this one. this is contributing significantly to that crisis mentioned previously. 
3. chillax about getting older. i'm not as worried as i was when i wrote that. related worries seem to be taking the place of it, though. like being fugly and dying alone.
4. move out before my twenty-eighth birthday. check.
5. i really need to be better with money, too. well, i've had one paycheck over the last month and have paid two months of rent and other living expenses and have gone out a lot. my credit card is almost maxed out and i have twenty dollars to last me till wednesday. so right now it doesn't look so hot. but my paychecks have doubled in size and now that those are coming regularly i'm not worried. well i am until wednesday, but i won't be after that.
6. boyfriend. ugh. don't ask. see paragraph two and item three. and i learned today that both a friend (also an ex) is moving in with his boyfriend and that the first guy i dated here in raleigh is, according to facebook, in a relationship.
7. get out more. since moving to raleigh, i have. week before last i was out every night. but yesterday and today i haven't left the house, sooo... mixed response, i guess. getting better, though.
8. read more. i have been. last saturday i sat down and read "peter" by alice walker in its entirety. loved it. today i started manuel puig's "kiss of the spider woman," which i'm enjoying quite a lot, but i'm taking my time on it. during the week i've been reading harry potter (currently on the third) on my lunch breaks via kindle. yeah, they're pirated copies but i'm on my second physical copies of the first three because i read them to tatters so i don't feel bad.
9. go to bed earlier. check. i get up at 5:30 every morning, so i've had to out of necessity. still not getting enough sleep, though. i've been napping a lot lately.
10. travel. i moved half-way across the country, but somehow that doesn't quite feel like it counts. i need to visit some friends, though. and i still need to get a passport. once hot scottish guy realizes i can make things better than his mum's haggis i'll be needing it.
11. expand my horizons. hasn't really happened yet. well, ok, a recent experience might qualify, but it's not what i had in mind when i wrote that. no, i'm not telling.
12. piano more. very sadly, no. i don't have a piano anymore. i think i'm going to buy one soon. i neeeeed it.

 
       i feel like a little piggy. i've been sooo hungry, and i'm eating so much. i don't like it! ok, i'm boring myself. back to reading about other people's lives.

       it's nearly 9 and i'm just getting home. it hasn't even been a week yet and i feel like my life is slipping away in the 8 to 5. well, more like the 6:50am to 6:10pm with drive and shuttle time. went to the gym afterwards tonight, hence the slightly later homecoming. but still. i don't want to get home this late every night. and i really need to get to the gym. i's fats. but now i have to go to bed in about 2.5 hours.

       i'm hoping it'll be something i adjust to. because right now i feel like i'm going to go crazy. i don't want work to be my life. well, at least not this work. and the other kind... well, that's going nowhere.

        on the plus side there's a really hot tech in my office. he looks like a taller, bigger (really muscled), and completely bald version of chord overstreet. i try not to stare. and now that i think of it, it's probably not on the plus side after all.

       ho. ly. crap. i just had my ass thrashed by a really sexy red head. and i mean in the good way. no, not that good. get your mind out of the gutter. it was my first personal training session ever. didn't really know what to expect, but i tried to be all tough and manly in hopes of not looking like a complete fool, but of course he saw through it. he was intense and energetic and he got me to do things for him that i wouldn't even do to myself. felt like he squeezed it all into about fifteen minutes, but it was definitely the fastest hour ever. and despite barely being able to complete the exercises he had me do (and we only used weights once the entire time)... i had fun. and i can do it all again for the low low price of $99/session. he probably is worth it, though. it's cheaper for a group, if i want to make a fool of myself in front of a few other people besides him. but he gave me some pretty solid advice. even did a basic body composition test with a computer. like i really needed that. he had me lift up my shirt in public(!!!) so he could pinch my fat. but he didn't ask, he told me to do it. haha. so i did. oh lordy. i have a long way to go. but one thing that was really helpful was that he was my size. well, except buff and with abs. he asked me what my goals were and i said, "well, about like you." muscular, but not too big, and lean. at the end he sat me down and said that 80% of what i need to do is nutrition. i have to lose about 16 pounds of nastiness, but ultimately gain an additional 7 pounds on top of my current weight. and that i had to stick to the free weights. grrrr.

       i'm having an apple dusted with ginger and smeared with peanut butter (cottage cheese on the side) for supper, in his honor (get it? ginger!?).

       oh yeah, and i got to go to my office today. i'll just be doing a lot of computer training for about the next week (and this before the real training begins). but i think i'm going to like it. the people seem really fun. i did feel a little hopelessly like the new guy. but i am. and i won't be forever. definitely overwhelmed right now, though. and i hurt, not only from the workout, but from the myriad of immunizations i had to get this morning. ouch. they turned my shoulders into mush, which didn't help with the workout, i'm sure. but ryan (trainer) still showed no mercy. yes, i told him.

       so much to do. i feel like i haven't had time to sit and breathe in ages, even though i'm kinda doing it right now. just so much to do. and it's already 9pm and i have to shower and start thinking about tomorrow. and i have to set up my fantasy baseball team for the week. craziness.

       well... i'm here...

       it's still sinking in. i'm not really sure why i just uprooted my entire life, but it's done now and i find myself looking around and asking... "now what?" not surprising that i haven't found what i'm looking for yet, but i think the answer to that is actually the question itself. because i sure as hell don't know. well, kinda. but not really. the funny thing is that i wanted it to feel like an adventure, but now that i'm here i just want things to settle down, to find a sense of normalcy. maybe i'll find a happy medium. the reclaimed independence gave me an immediate sense of relief, but i have some jay brannan lyrics circling my head that feel really appropriate: "if it's in my hands are you sure it should be in brittle hands like these?"

       the loneliness isn't surprising, but it doesn't make it any easier. that's one thing that i kinda took for granted when living with my parents, and sure there were still times when it would creep up on me, but i could always go downstairs and plop in front of the tv with them. being here feels a lot like being back in columbia when i lived on... get this... raleigh drive. it was outside of town and i wasn't out yet and didn't have any gay friends and didn't have many close straight friends. and yeah, i know i'll meet people. it's just kinda funny to me that for a loner i don't really like being alone.

       first day of work was today. just orientation, though, and i wasn't even close to the building that i will be working in. it felt huge and corporate, which furthered the desire in my mind to be an artist. the irony is that hy-vee, with all it's multiple stores in multiple cities across several states, was probably larger (in terms of employees, not dollar signs). but i don't like people telling me how to think and act. they seriously told us how we should organize our thoughts to meet their standards. and they used sports metaphors. i was glad that there was a lady at my table, a new hire in the housekeeping department, who was groaning and giggling at their peacocking right along with me. "we're not going to talk about the $200 million we're spending on such and such or the millions we're putting into this new building, because it's not about that. it's about the people. and people matter." sounded like some b.s. george w. would spew. anyway, there's a little more orientation tomorrow morning, then i go over to my proper department for orientation and training. i'll let you know how that goes, of course.

       hermes has been good, but clingy. but i've been glad for that. we're both adjusting. i start the gym tomorrow, too. haven't had the chance/energy to go yet, so of course i wait until my personal training session. two free sessions with membership. so going to make a fool out of myself. ...hm. i should be used to that, though. but i'm pretty much all unpacked. that's huge. i was going crazy for a while. i don't like messes. i'm enough of one.

       hi, my name is chris, and i am a pack rat. good grief. i knew i was bad, but i didn't realize how bad until i started sifting through storage items from the last twenty years. i literally found bits of shiny paper that i no doubt saved because i thought it was pretty. THAT is why it is taking me over a month to pack. in one of my rooms i have a pile of things i'm burning stacked taller than me, made up of old papers, clothes not even worthy of goodwill (there's another pile for those that are worthy), other random detritus. and i've filled several garbage bags with things that won't burn. lots of '90s stuff in there.

       my mother dragged us out tonight to get some family photos taken. yeah, we were all excited. she even told the photographer that i was moving away, after which the photographer suggested i sit on the stool with everyone around me. i refused. i hate having my picture taken and i hate being the center of attention. no fucking way. that's why there are 32 pictures tagged of me on facebook, and half of those are random things people tagged that aren't me (tag the star wars character that fits your friends' personalities!). david knows how i feel, 'cept mirrors don't spontaneously break in response to his reflection like they do mine.

       welp, back to it. gonna try to get a little more done tonight. having lunch with toby tomorrow. looking forward to that. the move is less than a week away now. crazy.

       so the theologian's recent post brought my attention to the current trend around xanga to show body pictures as a sort of "i love my body" campaign. no, i will not be participating this time around. i've certainly made a lot of progress since late december, but... no way. i have every intention of showing off my abs when i reclaim them (don't hold your breath). i'm just not there yet.

       the kitties are running around and playing together in their uber-cute way and it makes me sad that i'm going to be separating them in just over two weeks. is it weird that this is heartbreaking to me? i remember how clingy hermes got after just a weekend here when we lived in columbia. i know they'll adjust. but still, it's like tearing best friends apart. i feel like a selfish asshole.

       two of my high school classmates have asked me recently if we we're going to have a ten-year reunion soon (yes, i'm old). i was class president so for some reason they think that's my job to organize that kind of stuff. frankly, my dears, i don't give a damn. i started trying to forget about that place the day i graduated. i currently keep up with two of my classmates (not the same two), and i'm related to one of those.

       i'd really like to see toby before i move because i haven't seen him in ages, but we're having scheduling problems and i've been kinda surprised by how sad that's making me. i wish i'd have met him when i was in a different/better place in my life. the really sad thing is that i can say that for more than just him. i should just stop meeting people so that i'm not in weird places in life and avoid the things not working out thing altogether. ohh. my heart hurts now.

       two weeks and a day. that's how much time i have left to pack/organize/store/move. i'm not only going through all the stuff from columbia, but all of my storage items from the first seventeen years of my life as well. there is shit everywhere and it's driving me crazy. also trying to jump through all the new job hoops, like talking to h.r. and scheduling pee tests. also trying to get things ready in raleigh, and trying to sell my old car, which is not happening and my father is threatening to haul it off for scrap metal, and i'm still working nearly full time and trying to go to the gym 3-5 times a week. don't ask how much i'm actually getting done. i'm starting to worry a little.

       i'm still in my gym clothes. i need a shower and a bed. goodnight.

       i have seven unread emails from boys in north carolina in my match.com inbox that i'm unable to read unless i spend more money. stupid boys. i even wrote on my profile, "not currently a member, so i'm afraid any messages will languish unread in my inbox," and still they send them just to torture me and to try to make me spend more money on that silly site. they probably didn't even read it, just saw my sexy face and couldn't resist a hello. poor things. i'm resisting, for now.

       it's funny to me that before i found out about the job i was keeping up with the packing and organizing, but it has all come to a screeching halt since then. suddenly the procrastination kicks in? i guess i've been busy, though. because of the trip to branson last weekend and because i'm nice and covered a shift today i didn't have a single day off this week. this all goes to my last decent paycheck from hy-vee, though, so i'm going to be glad for it as long as i can find the time to pack around my otherwise unaltered schedule.

       i've been missing someone like crazy lately. probably not a good thing. like, really crazy.

       saw "source code" tonight with my family. exciting and interesting and strange. jake gyllenhaal makes everything good, though. *melts* even the kind of terrible "prince of persia" was worth watching for him.

       i added an eastern time clock to the list of clocks on the lower bar of my browser and it's first on the list so i freak out every time i see it when i think i've just spent an extra hour writing a sentence. either way it's past my bed time, though, especially after having to get up at 4:30 this morning. nighty night.

       well, i got the job! they called yesterday morning and made the offer. it was a decent offer -- not ideal, but reasonable. definitely more than i've ever made before. and there's been a noticeable decrease in stress levels now that i know what's going on. i'm excited. still nervous, sure, and it's going to be bittersweet leaving the few friends that i've made over the last eleven months, but i've been craving new experience and a change of scenery. and i'm really looking forward to having a regular schedule with a regular time to go to the gym and a regular time to write. which is huge.

       is it silly that i'm really looking forward to this gym? haha. i am kinda frustrated that i've started gaining weight again. i'm not sure if it was a result of a terrible diet while in branson or the emphasis on strength training (i try not to step on the scale very often), but i've gained three pounds since the last time. my waist is noticeably slimmer and someone even called me skinny the other day (i still wouldn't use that word), so i'm hoping it's muscle. my muscles aren't that much bigger, but i'm certainly stronger than i was. i've only increased my bench by about 20 pounds over the last 3 months, but i'm already two plates from the bottom of the stack on the cable bicep curl at my regular workout level. i'm nervous to start doing free weights again, but i'm going to have to before too long. i really need to start working on diet, though. my diet hasn't been bad by any means (i say this while munching a 100% whole wheat fig newton -- like the whole wheat makes that much of a difference), but i really need to change things up in order to find that six-pack again. but that's another reason i'm looking forward to raleigh. i have control over my diet here, sure, but buying my own food will help a lot. but enough of that.

       i'd write more, but it's time for work. lots to do yet. i move in three weeks! crazy!

       i am increasingly convinced that i will die alone. i've just spent the not-quite-awake-yet parts of my morning looking through some random profiles on random sites for no clear reason and came away largely depressed at the lack of possibilities. most of them can't spell or are immature or are just... no. i've only fallen for a small handful of guys in my life and probably only two of those were painful enough to matter. unfortunately one was straight and the other flew straight away. it's just the morning i'm having.

       about to leave, in an hour or so, for good ol' branson, mo. it's like nashville's little hillbilly cousin. not looking forward to it. but my mom wanted to have some family time, meaning cramming five of us into a car that can only comfortably seat four and driving six hours to some country-loving christian's idea of vegas. i'm tired and have had a shitty week, and i've spent the last three days trying not to be a bitch at work, so i have a feeling something's going to 'splode.

       still haven't heard yet. i've been really bipolar about it, though. i always hate the waiting on the edge of something. to be honest, i kinda don't want to go anymore. it's been downgraded slightly from "a place to go" to "a place i could go if i have no other alternative." so right now i don't think i'd be that disappointed in a "no." i just want to know what's going on. really, really frustrating.

       i need a shower. still have to pack, too. my nerves feel frayed. and i could really use a cuddle.