October 6, 2011
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writing myself to sleep...
i wrote my therapist the other night and cancelled our appointments for the rest of the year. i can't afford them. and it feels like the rest of the world's so fucked up it doesn't really matter if i am too. at least now i'll get to buy people christmas presents so they'll know that i'm thinking of them and then they'll like me. i have no idea what to get anyone yet. if you don't get one it's probably because i couldn't find one perfect enough. i'm going to try to start again after the new year.
i just watched the chumscrubber. very interesting movie. i can't decide whether it's a new favorite. it might be. then i stumbled on jay brannan's cover of "someone like you." that's when i decided to write a xanga post.
i finished a story last week. dan made me. kinda not really. i had been working on it and he asked for one so i just sped it up a bit. i sent it to him a week ago now and i still haven't heard his response and i'm going a little crazy. great job, dan. make the crazy person even more crazy. yes, i'm mostly joking. but not entirely. i think i'm about to delete the story and pretend i never wrote it.
the last three nights i've had the best sleep since i've been in raleigh. i've been slightly ill for the last month or so, and it kinda came to a climax this last week. i'm fine during the day, but for some reason when i try to sleep i start trying to cough up my testicles. so i took some nyquil. uh-maze-ing. i may or may not need it tonight, but i'm planning on taking it anyway. i really miss sleep. it has even made work a little more bearable. but not quite.
well, until today when i found out that i didn't make the cut for either the bonus or the "wage adjustment." it's not a raise because apparently i got a job at a place that's on a pay freeze. no, no one told me this when i was hired. they're just giving people who have been there since january a small percentage increase in salary to compensate for inflation. just another nail in the coffin of that job. and another excuse for me to say "fuck my life."
my shoulder really hurts. mandatory flu shot. and i'm breaking out. i think i'm pms-ing.
the medicine's starting to kick in. bed time. nighty night.
Comments (2)
Ny-Quil is the BOMB.... and if you are super sick and can't breath/sleep... if you drink a glass of the Alka-Selter cold shit and then ALSO some Ny-Quil???? You will sleep like a fucking corpse and feel so REFRESHED the next day... its a-may-zing.
I'm sorry to hear about the counselor, but I see your reasons... and I'm sure those people will like you anyway... and if they don't? I don't think a present will help anyway. LOL.
I hate that you hate where you are. Are you actively job searching yet?
Cut me some slack, mister. Considering it took you months to cough up a story, I'm entitled to a few days while formulating a response. I have lots to say but not adequate time to say it yet. This weekend should afford me that opportunity, plus time to prepare the Shortbus shipment.
Cut yourself some slack, too. The fact you have a full-time job is in itself a significant accomplishment nowadays, regardless of "wage adjustments." Also bear in mind Achilles' speech to Priam at the end of the Iliad about how the world works. Even the most illustrious man alive has reason to say the same three words as you. Instead, he recognizes disappointment as an inevitable part of being human, as is joy. Hope this helps:
Though we're both feeling pain,
we'll let our grief lie quiet on our hearts.
For there's no benefit in frigid tears.
That's the way the gods have spun the threads
for wretched mortal men, so they live in pain,
though gods themselves live on without a care.
On Zeus' floor stand two jars which hold his gifts— 650
one has disastrous things, the other blessings.
When thunder-loving Zeus hands out a mixture,
that man will, at some point, meet with evil, [530]
then, some other time, with good.
Source: http://www.mlahanas.de/Greeks/Texts/Iliad/iliad24.htm