new from my own personal street corner: i’m old.

       i wanted/needed to work on another “proper” post tonight (you know, the ones with capital letters), and while i’m nowhere close to being in the mood for that i wanted to write still (regardless of how wise that might be). so i’m currently sipping a gin and tonic and contemplating the meaning of it all. one of the few small comforts lately has been the opening of an abc store almost exactly one mile from my apartment. i only know the distance because it’s on my favorite jogging route and i always run to a point on the trail (which doubles as a sidewalk) just short of the store’s location before turning and giving myself a short walk-break. don’t pay attention to anything else visible on that. it’s pathetic. i only started running again this month and i’ve gone out twice so far. started running again because i couldn’t make it through a single p90x workout after my little post-vacation slide (after being somewhat of a machine before it, easily knocking out 5 workouts/week). and i need to. getting fat(ter) again. but yeah. totally trying to become an alcoholic before i turn 30, especially if i’m still stuck in the south. considering i’ll start feeling the buzz from a beer before i’m even half-way through it — i’ve got a lot of work to do. and you have to admit that a guy who can mix drinks gets extra hotness points. lord knows i need all the points i can get.

       i say that without even thinking of my little mini-vacation last weekend in charlotte to see the lovely jay brannan. he only performed for an hour, but it was everything i hoped it would be. the rest of the trip was a bit more so, but i won’t get into that here. i try to maintain some illusion of being a good girl. it really was a good trip, though. finally made it to the penguin and sampled their amazing fried pickles, even though i was told while there by one of the instigators of those shenanigans (who maintained a breathtaking 6-pack despite the fried pickle consumption) that there had been some drama a few years before and that the famous pickles of yesteryear were now being fried at a newer restaurant about a block over called the diamond. i’ll have to do that one on the next trip. the restaurant, i mean.

       oh, and my moods have been evening out, thanks in part, i’m sure, to help from my old friend sam-e. i swear that stuff kept me alive in college. i’m also noticing that the desire to strangle coworkers and patients has mostly diminished to more incidental levels. a catty edge still lingers (or was that always there?) that has almost gotten me in trouble a couple times after i made patients reschedule because i wasn’t in the mood to deal with their crap, but i was very proud of myself for largely keeping my cool today when a septuagenarian thought he knew more about current ophthalmology billing and coding practices than i do. the silly bitch. he’ll get his bill.

       i’m trying to avoid a much larger topic, though, and it might be inappropriate to mention it at the bottom of a somewhat irreverent post, but it’s also the reason i’m trying to talk about anything but. there aren’t many that read this blog that i know personally, but of those who do know me and my family i’ll ask that you keep this here, between us, at least for now, simply because i don’t know if they’re telling anyone yet and i’m sure they don’t want to be bombarded even though the news will be spreading soon and they inevitably will be bombarded. but my brother and sister-in-law lost their baby today. she was 7-months along, due early october, and we were all very excited. for my brother’s birthday this year i bought him a huge wooden block set because the best memories that we have of our childhood are of the two of us playing these games with our father where he would build these impossibly high towers of blocks and we would try to knock them down. and i know he wasn’t even born yet, but it’s mostly because i know how happy they were and i know they already had dreams for him and now she has to go to the hospital tomorrow and go through labor to deliver him and i just can’t imagine…

       keep them in your thoughts, if you would.

       *update* nevermind. apparently they had sent a mass email to their church before i even knew about it. yay family.

       new from my own personal street corner: why is it so much fun when gay scandal rocks the christian world? today we discuss why it’s an embarrassment to be caught in the closet and the need for honesty. click here for more…

       new from my own personal street corner: if there’s supposed to be a separation of church and state, why do political parties and religion go hand in hand? more here…

       so. i’m entirely aware of how silly it is to be giving you an update on the last ~month and how i was affected by a vacation. perhaps it’s also silly that i was so deeply affected by it at all. but i was. it’s been a weird six weeks. very moody. the first day back to work was probably the worst. i had a quiet anxiety attack on the bus on the way there, almost quit while i was there, then came home and drank wine until i fell asleep. that kinda set the tone for the following month, which was most of the reason why it took me so long to get those travelogues out. i was swinging in a way that would make carrie fisher proud. fortunately i’m evening out now, getting (slowly) back into an exercise routine, even writing a bit. instead of having to bite my tongue every day to keep from telling my boss that i want to leave, now i only have to do it about every other day or two (which is closer to normal). it was definitely the implosion that i feared.

       but what i didn’t expect was that i’d still feel it this far out. that choice, i mean. the one about either imploding or exploding. and i’m starting to think that i might be able to do both, go backwards from black hole to supernova. ha. maybe not quite that. but i feel like i’m finding a little hope again, fleeting though it might be, and i’m trying to take advantage of it. for starters, i’ve created another blog, and i even use capital letters: digitalglair.blogspot.com. no, it’s not misspelled. the first few results on google combined with the homophone (and the simple fact that it’s a homophone) should convince you of how perfect the choice is. there’s only one post so far, written today, but combined with my mad marketing skills (i.e. shameless self-promotion) it already has over 180 page views. i don’t really expect it to go anywhere, but perhaps the simple act of writing somewhat outside of myself (i.e. not these rambling, emotional posts) will get me back into the writing groove. and i’m sure the ad revenue i expect to receive will at least let me buy that pack of gum i’ve had my eye on at the food lion down the road.

       so we’ll see where this goes. no, i still don’t have a plan. kind of have a vague goal of completing my second year at the clinic (may 2013) then moving on. i told myself when i moved here that i don’t want to turn 30 in north carolina and i’m still holding tightly to that. i have to do the two year thing, though, because at that point i’m reimbursed for 75% of my accrued paid time off (i still had over 100 hours after taking my vacation) as opposed to only 50% anytime before that. it doesn’t go up to 100% until the five year mark and — fuck that shit. at that point i’ll also have a little less than $4,000 from the required state retirement contributions that will help get me settled elsewhere. and at this point there’s only one major thing (apart from myself) that could throw a wrench in the works, but i won’t get into that here just yet, if at all. it’s one of those potentially major life choices that i might regret later, but by may of next year it could be moot. anyway.

       i’m going to try to update more. i promise i’ll try. at the very least i’ll be updating the new blog more often. i really want to take another stab at this writer thing. i’d all but given up on that, if you couldn’t tell. i hope it lasts. k. bed time. later taters.